Today is my 12/13 week appointment, as I'm 12.4 today. Yesterday I broke. I couldn't stop crying, I was/am so afraid my appointment today will be a bad one. I don't go in until 5:20. It's killing my mind. Then my husband came downstairs and I tried to explain how I felt about possibly not finding a heartbeat and I broke down crying even worse because I thought it was a boy and I just felt I'd be so disappointed. Then started crying for feeling that way! My poor husband!

I really want a girl. What mom doesn't at some point. I know I will love my child but I am so tired of a house full of trucks and tractors and fighting boys! I told my husband we have so many boy things I won't get to buy anything nice for the baby if it's a boy because we have everything. I just want to be happy. Why do I have to feel this way? It sucks! 

So my husband says "well I think we should just take some of what we have to Once Upon A Child and sell them, then we can buy some nice new things if its a boy, because we have mostly second hand from Christopher(he's 4) and Timmy(he's 1)."

So I can see he is trying to make a bright side. I just always pictured having a little girl and experiencing the mother/daughter bond I never had as a child. I was raised by my grandma and though she was good to me, it's not the same. Grandmother's have already raised their children. They love you but it's different. It's not what I feel towards my mother. I just want that bond with my own little girl, I've dreamed about it since I was young living without my mother and I just feel like it won't happen. It's probably hormones but it's how I feel. Right now I feel crazy.