I found out on our five year anniversary when I left the house for 5 minutes, and when I came back he set his phone down to open the door and I set my keys down and see on his phone screen, a Craigslist ad for “some sloppy head” 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

So we’ve been together for 5 years officially, an extra 6 months unofficially before hand. We also have a son who just turned 7 months old.

Now strap in because this ones gonna be a doozy. So when we met, I was in a bad place with my family, and things weren’t going well for me. For him either but that’s another story. Almost a year into our relationship, I found out he’d been asking another girl for naked pictures “like she sent before” because he’d “accidentally deleted them” normally from this I would have ran from the start, but where I was in life he was literally the only person that was ever there for me (because he was in every other way) he apologized like crazy, swore it wouldn’t happen again, cried, deleted her, ect ect. Since then he’s made other facebooks (no idea if he’s friends with her on there or not) and he constantly deletes and reactivates his normal Facebook, I mean CONSTANTLY.

After we’d been together for almost three years, maybe three and a half, I found out he’s been surfing thru Craigslist sex ads and emailing back for forth with people about what they’re gonna do sexually, the ENTIRE time we’ve been together. Oh and this is with, OTHER MEN. He was super ashamed and apologetic and the whole nine. He told me he has never once met up with anyone it’s all just talk thru email, but who knows what’s the truth. But he is with me almost 24/7 besides work so 🤷‍♀️

Well he’s been doing it still.. this entire time. All five years. I’ve caught him a couple times, suspected it a few other times but I didn’t confront him because honestly when I did I always am the one who’s broken and hurt and torn apart.

Today is our anniversary and I left the house for five minutes, I came back to a Craigslist ad for some sloppy head and whatever else (I didn’t read it the title was enough) and I pointed it out. He had alllllll of this stuff to say about how he was just looking and he would “never do that again” and I asked him if he did it when I was pregnant he looked dead at me and said no. Well little did he know, that was one of the times I knew, and didn’t tell him because it would have torn me apart to confront him and make it real. So I told him “see the problem is that you’re getting so good at lying to me now, it’s getting harder and harder for me to tell. But I know that you’re lying, because I saw it when I was pregnant and choose not to confront you because it would have fucked ME up mentally” before that he was just rattling off one excuse after another, but when I told him I knew he was lying, suddenly he didn’t say anything else at all.

I spent my entire two day labor alone in our bedroom because I kept telling him I wanted to try to sleep and he was apparently in the other room, emailing back and forth with people on Craigslist ads about meeting up for sex and all the things they’re gonna do to each other and what they look like, while I’m curled in a ball on our bed in the worst pain of my life.

I’m so broken inside. I can’t stand the idea of even one single day without my son, so split custody would tear my already fragil heart apart.

I’m so broken.

I’m so torn.

I love him, but I’ll never trust him and I’ll never feel like enough for him and I don’t want my son to see that either.

What can I do...

how do I fix my family..

How do I fix the parts of me that broke knowing I’m completely alone besides a perfect 7 month old baby that doesn’t understand and knowing that I’ll never be enough. I’m so numb I feel like I’ll never deserve better.

UPDATE:

So I just went to bed upset after writing the post, it took me a long time to fall asleep. He came in after awhile, crawled in bed and was snoring in like ten minutes 🙄🙄🙄 then today, he was at work all day so we just talked about it for the first time and I told him I don’t trust him and I’ll never trust him and that I don’t wanna he with him but I’m only here because our son. He keeps apologizing and saying basically the same shit he said last time when I believed things would change. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ little did I know how much lying and manipulation was done 💔💔 it sucks. Because as much as this whole situation is just negative and I feel so betrayed, he was also the only positive person in my life too, my mom just died and my family isn’t around, and it’s just me and my son. I told him we’re not going to have any of these conversations around our son so we haven’t finished talking but I think he knows where I stand.