I should start off by saying that I LOVE my husband (S). I honestly believe that we are soulmates. We have a connection that I've never had with anyone else in my life.

I've gotta give some history also. We were best friends from age 13 all the way through school and we took our relationship to the next level the summer after we graduated high school. I had just broken up with my high school sweetheart (J) and I felt really bad like I was using him so I broke his heart and ended the benefits part of our friendship.

I met W when I was 15 and even then he was one of the sexiest people I've ever met lol. W was never my bf even though we'd get drunk and kiss sometimes. He was not my highschool sweetheart just another friend. He always made it clear that we were always only going to be friends because he was a few years older (he even had a fling with my sister for a while) I had come to terms with that and I moved on. He was there for me J broke up with me and again when I ended things with S. We started spend a TON of time together.

Then I had a realization one morning (6 months later) when I was laying on the bathroom floor puking my guts out hopelessly hung over. The only person I wanted to talk to or to be there with me was S. So I called him and poured my heart out to him. He rejected me and told me he had been seeing another girl and he wanted to see where that would go. So I did what any "sane" 19 year old know it all would do and I called W and we got shitfaced together.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. I get a call from S. I don't answer and he calls me 14 times. I finally answer and he's crying and pouring his heart out to me that he's been in love with me for years and that he was mad and upset but that he still loved me and wanted to be with me. I was super emotional and of course happy that he wanted to give us another shot.

Fast forward 3 more weeks. I finally feel like every things is how I want it. I'm so happy and feeling totally in love with S. But he drops a bombshell on me. When I broke up with him he wanted nothing more than to leave town and never come back so he enlisted in the military and was shipping out in 3 weeks. He asked me to go with me where ever he was going. I didnt know what to say so I said that we would have to get married in order for me to go with him. He said" I know, marry me" I gave it a few days to think about and i agreed to go with him and get married and i was really happy with my decision. When I told W about it he kinda had a melt down. He started crying (he was drunk so idk) telling me that I needed to leave S and be with him. He never told me he loved me and at that moment I told him "if you tell me you love me I'll stay" he said "you know I do" i told him he had to say the words and he wouldn't so I left. A couple months later W moved 3 states away with out even saying goodbye to me after 6 years of friendship.

I've been with S 5 years now and we've been married for 2. I've started having dreams about W. Like all the time. Dreams where we're together and happy and sometimes the dreams are sexy and I wake up with this yearning for him and it just makes me feel horrible. I've never told S about the dreams. I know that's a lot of build up for such a small confession but it's killing me. its been about 3 years since I've even spoken to W and these dreams make me miss him and want him in ways that make me feel like a bad person. I haven't told a single soul any of this before but it eats away at me all the time... if you've made it this far thanks for reading.