Why am I like this...

I've been having flashbacks alot lately from when I was raped. I can't seem to get over them. I don't want anyone to know. But it's so scary. It happened in the men's restroom. I agreed to it. But at the last minute I decided not to. He pushed me into the stall. And took off my pants and raped me. He had this all planned. i can't go into the restroom without having flashbacks. I cry sometimes. But no tears won't come out. And I'm shaking. I want to have kids but at times I think about it. And get scared when I want to go to my s.o house. Its a battle within me. I want the fear to go away. And I do trust my s.o. my s.o doesn't even know. I want to tell them. I can't bring myself to say it.

Update...

I told my s.o. she is trying very hard to help me. She told my sister for me. And my sister didn't even help. I don't want my mom to know. Because she has enough stress on her plate.

Update...

Its so bad that I'm throwing up alot. And I cant go into the bathroom without getting scared...