So I think I just need to talk it out, and by talk, I mean write.

My mom had two massive strokes in mid-February. She hadn’t been taking care of herself prior to the strokes, and my husband had to call an ambulance for her because she collapsed in our living room. We found out like 3 or 4 days later that she had two massive strokes, as well as white matter in the brain acting strange. She has lost the ability to walk, she has limited use of her left hand, she struggles with cognition and comprehension. After a 2 week hospital stay, she was transferred to a post-acute medical facility and has been there about a month.

Originally, my younger sister and her baby daddy stepped in and took over care for her. They promised her that she could move in to a house they already had secured, they promised her everything she wanted. My mom put all of her eggs in one basket. Then I got a text out of the blue from my sister saying that they refused to help her. They said that she was impacting their credit score (which was a lie), and that my mom wanted to have my husband and I care for her (also a lie). We then found out that they had been trying to steal my mother’s social security checks from her for their own use. They have since completely stopped contacting my mom and have nothing to do with us.

We have had to find a new place to live that will accommodate my mother’s physical needs, and are moving in two weeks. Meanwhile, we’ve had to go through my mom’s belongings for packing, and it has been a lot to process. My mom has been hiding medication for 4 years (since 2016), has at least 300 needles for diabetes (she never used her insulin) as well as at least 40-60 bottles of medication that she never took. We also found a journal in which my mother wrote of self-harming and committing suicide (I struggle with self-harming, and have attempted suicide several times), and she never told us anything.

And to top all of it off, I’m having to switch colleges from a local college to an online college. I will be taking care of my mom with my husband pretty much full-time, and we have a toddler. I want to get my degree and teach English in Japan. But my husband is pushing me to abandon my mom and get my dream job in a completely different country. I don’t feel like it’s right, and am struggling with the two sides. I honestly feel like we will be taking care of my mom until she passes. She’s only 55, and I’m only 26. I thought I would be much older when this kind of stuff happened and I thought we would be in different places entirely. Having all of it thrown on us with no support is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I wake up from nightmares almost every night about debt, about my mom passing, about having no one there. I take medicine for my anxiety and I’m having 3 or 4 panic attacks a week. I’m more suicidal than ever, and I feel like I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

It’s hard, because I can’t speak to my therapist about anything because of the shutdowns. I dunno. I just needed to vent a bit.