First off, this is hard for me to write because I honestly don’t really understand it myself, which is why I am coming here for y’all’s insight and advice on what to do.

Also if you take the time to read this, thank you.

So it started when I was young like 5 or 6 years old. There was this family member of mine who was a few years older than me. I’m gonna be honest and tell you that it was my older brother. He would make advances towards me like try to kiss me or get me to take my clothes off. Even though I was young, I knew this was wrong so I would always run away from him. But, one day he pulled me into the closet and asked if I could have sex with him. At this point, I immediately ran to my mom and told her what he said to me. He got in trouble and I remember his punishment being to read the Bible (we’re a religious family) and that was that. After that, he never did anything like that to me again and we never talked about what happened.

Right now I am 20 years old and I am only now realizing how much this incident has affected me.

After what happened I remember praying to God that I wouldn’t be assigned any male teachers in elementary school because I was terrified they would do something to me. I remember that just the thought of being left alone with an uncle would scare the shit out of me, but I would never tell anyone that because I didn’t want to start any drama. I remember people questioning why I would never flirt back with guys in middle school or why I was so quiet/reserved around them. I especially remember the times where I would randomly get this awful feeling in my stomach that made me feel so disgusted with myself. It made me feel like I was showing too much skin even though I could be wearing jeans and a sweater. This feeling made me want to throw up and hide from the world. This was what I hated the most because it just made me feel so uncomfortable in my own body. What sucks is that I still get this feeling today and I completely shut down when I get it.

Just recently I got this feeling when a guy friend put his arm around me. Although on the outside I seemed fine, on the inside I was screaming at him to move his arm and get the hell away from me. I hadn't gotten this feeling in a long time and I think that's why I am writing this today.

I want to understand why I still get this feeling. Why after all these years I still feel disgusted with myself and uncomfortable around guys. Is this what people call anxiety? Am I fucked up mentally because I’ve waited this long to deal with this problem? I just wish I knew what was wrong with me because I hate getting this feeling and wish I never got it again. Also, why does this incident affect me so much when nothing physical happened to me?