2020 makes year two post abortion and I still have not come to terms with it. As much as I regret it I also understand that I wasn’t in a great spot to support a child but everyday I beat myself up telling myself that I could have made it work.

I started out resenting my partner for not pushing against it and fathering his exes child around the same time. It made me feel as though one baby was chosen over another. I no longer resent him but a new anger has been brewing and it’s very toxic.

I enjoy my stepchild but some days there is a resentment so strong I can’t even be in the house with him and it angers me to see photos of my friends sharing their happy births ( we would have all had the baby around the same time) Which on the inside hurts cause I still loves the little humans. It’s like I’m fighting myself with emotions.

I am now struggling to get pregnant since then. Regular periods and everything but new obstacle is that my partner has developed a cancer... which makes it twice as hard to get pregnant.

On the good news I finally got approved for a fertility appt to see what’s wrong but that’s not till June but I worry that even that will not help me come to terms with what I’ve done.

I feel as though I have been punished and that I may not be able to bear children with the man I love with all my heart. It eats at me and feeds into that hatred. My ultimate goal in life no longer looks achievable and I just don’t know what to do.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 as well as mild depression.

I’ve written letters, I sent prayers, I’ve celebrated the due date, I tried to get animals to feel the void and I’ve tried to actively ignore it. I’m really at a loss.

I needed someone to talk to who wouldn’t judge these feelings I can’t control