so heres the back story, i met this guy in September of 2018 and i liked him since i first met him, like began to become to love as we started talking and i fell hard for him.. he's everything you can ask for, he's funny, he's the most attractive person i've ever seen, he's nice, amazing, treats me like a queen, and more. we started dating January 2019 and yes im 13, i know people say, "you're too young to know what love is you don't understand it" i know i know, but he's my first love. anyways my dad never liked him for literally no reason. i wasn't and still to this day am not supposed to be talking to him but i continued/continue because i couldn't/can't let go of him. and so my dad made me move schools and took my phone for almost a year and a half. i found multiple ways to talk to him without my parents knowing and it worked for a while even tho it was very difficult and stressed me out a lot. but i continued to still talk to him for almost 2 years because i was/am literally in love with him and he was/is my addiction, he's like my drug. and i still haven't seemed to let go. we broke up in October because i was tired of going behind my parents back but i never have stopped loving him and he knows, he is still in love with me too. we've gone through so much together and he has sacrificed so many things for our relationship and so have i and thats why i love him even more. we planned our entire future. kids, jobs, house, everything. and over these 2 years i've found myself self harming almost every day and i have tried to kill myself almost 5 times. i just want to be with him and i can't and it kills me everyday. we still talk sometimes on my friends phone but not date because i don't want to go behind my dads back because i'm tired of it. (i haven't talked to him in almost a month)when we broke up, even when we were together i didn't get out of bed for anything. i barely ate anything (i was forced to eat and i only eat like 1 every 1-2 days) im still affected by it, i only eat o1 or 2 times a day now because i got so used to it. i stared at the wall just praying to god he'd just kill me already, i only showered once or twice a week (i dont do these things anymore as bad) i was so miserable. i felt and still feel so useless and i have no idea what to do. thats why i'm asking for advice. i just cant seem to let go of him. i've tried to date other people to forget about him but i can't. i feel so empty without him. im useless without him. everyday that i live without talking to him or being around him makes me want to die. i thought for a while that i wasn't depressed anymore because i've been faking being happy for so long i was convinced. but at night when i'malone and trapped in my thoughts all i can do is think about me dead. and just to clarify i've been to a mental hospital (because my dad found out i was trying to kill myself and cutting myself) and i was diagnosed with depression. i was recommended to therapist and counseling but my dad never took me because he said, "do you feel like you're gonna blow your brains out? if not than its not necessary" it pissed me off so bad. that all happened in September 2019 and i still haven't went to any therapist or counseling because he thinks its my "teenage hormones" 🙄