My 25th birthday is coming up and I couldn't be any less excited .

December is a hard month for me it always has been my grandma died the day after my birthday and then a few years later my died dad a few days after Christmas . My 25th birthday is on Dec 16 so my mom asked me what I want to do so they can plan and I literally started balling my eyes out because I'm just not excited . I feel like I'm in a rut in my life . I'm a nanny and I hate my job I'm couped up in the house all day with no adult stimulation or anyone to talk to and it's hard . All I want is to be a mom myself to its hard taking car eif other people's children . I want to go back to school but I just don't know what I want to do I have gained 30 lbs in the past few years that I haven't been able to get off and I'm just feeling sad and depressed and not good about myself . Has anyone else felt this way lately ? Any suggestions or stories from anyone who's been in a similar place that has figured out things to do to feel better ? Literally the only thing I can honestly say is good in my life right now is my relationship which I'm very thankful for