I’m 22 years old and I still let the opinions of people I used to be friends with in high school hurt me. A couple of them have said I traumatized them, was a bitch, manipulative, toxic, etc. but they never talked to me about things I had done. I remember giving rides, money, clothes, a safe place to stay, and free vacations and it was never reciprocated. I felt like a good friend. I just gave up on trying when I was able to let the relationship go. I never knew what it was I did to make them say those things about me.

It makes me so afraid of anyone else perceiving me in that way. I’m naturally a generous and nice person, but I feel afraid to express dissatisfaction with someone because I don’t want to be labeled those things again. I don’t want people to think, “wow, so and so was right about her”. I avoid conflict at any cost, even if it’s at my own expense. I hate confrontation. I’m scared that maybe I was a toxic person but I don’t know how, so I’m afraid that maybe I’m doing bad things without even realizing it.

I know it’s dumb. High school is a weird time for everyone and I shouldn’t let them get to me. But I can’t help but fear those labels.

I’ve never had it easy with friends. My friend of 7 years stopped talking to me recently and didn’t tell me happy birthday, or reach out when my friend told her I went to the hospital for my depression. I wonder if she thinks those things about me too. I thought she was different. I know she’s cool with one of the girls who called me those things. And the girl told my other friend that I did something bad to someone pretty recently... and i don’t think I’ll ever know if it was my friend or not.

I just feel incredibly sad and worthless. I wish everything didn’t affect me the way it does and I could get to the point where I can say I don’t need them to influence me and my behavior. I know that I try to be a good person