Me and my husband met on July 24,2016. I remember falling in love pretty quickly with him and I was surprised at how kind, gentle and amazing he was and needless to say he was handsome. I had been thru hell & back with all my previous relationships and I quickly learned he had been thru a lot of similar situations, we clicked right away. Fast forward 6 months to January 2017, Off and on I was not feeling well and my first thought was could I be pregnant. I had all the symptoms. I took a couple home pregnancy tests and I saw those 2 lines. I made a doctor’s appointment and they confirmed that I was, I was a few weeks along. My husband was so nervous but excited, we had only known each other 6 months but we were going to be ready for this exciting new journey, neither one of us had biological children of our own but I considered my niece and 2 nephews my own at the time, their mother and father were never in the picture from day one and I have raised them all from birth so I certainly had experience with babies and raising kids. But I longed for as far back as I can remember wanting my own child. I was so ready and my husband was too. So fast forward to April of 2017 after a very rough pregnancy thus far, being very sick and a couple visits to the ER. I was at work on April 28,2017 and I didn’t feel right, I was bleeding and it was a lot. I called my now husband and told him I was going to my OB doctor and if he could come meet me.

I was scared to death, I got to my doctor’s office and they did an ultrasound and it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat. Our baby girl was gone, I had to go to labor & delivery so they could continue to check me, after an hour or so they said we could go home and that following Monday I was scheduled to have a D&C. I cried for hours, the next day I was in so much pain, it was labor pains. Me and my husband went back to labor & delivery and I gave birth to our baby girl and I had to go into surgery hours later because they had to remove what didn’t naturally come out. It was my worst nightmare come true. I cried for days and days and asking God “why”? I wanted a baby for so long and I was blessed with our daughter for 16 weeks and then she was gone, just like that!!!

It almost tore us apart, the grief, blaming my self and not coming to terms with what happened. All of the baby items we bought, just sat in a closet and we would never be able to use them. The stroller, the car seat, the pacifiers, the onesies, everything we had for her, my heart was shattered.

We eventually after months started becoming ourselves again, slowly we grieved and we started trying again. I would have 2 more positive pregnancy tests months later but those just turned out to be chemical pregnancies.

After those we decided to just enjoy each other for a while and then we would talk about trying again at some point down the road.

Fast forward to the summer of 2018, we had started trying again and I had not become pregnant and we decided with the suggestion of my OBGYN to visit our fertility clinic so they could check every single thing on me and my husband. It cost a lot of money because our insurance paid for next to nothing but we made it happen and we got tested for everything under the sun, painful biopsy’s, so many blood tests and visits and there was nothing wrong with either of us, we were healthy and the reason for not being to sustain a pregnancy was unknown, the only thing that was suggested was that the next we got a positive pregnancy test was for me to start taking Progesterone immediately Fast forward to July of 2018, we became pregnant. I could not believe, again I remember being so scared but my husband being who he is stayed positive and the light in the dark I needed. I was seen at the fertility clinic a couple weeks and then referred back to my regular OBGYN so he could take over the rest of our pregnancy journey. We found out it was a boy this time, I was so so happy to give my husband a son.

I took progesterone until about 10-12 weeks and had to be on Zofran the entire time because I had Hyperemesis gravidarum. Besides being very sick and not being able to work, I was so happy that we were progressing further and further into the pregnancy.

I went to my 12 week check up and that was the absolute worst day, I went into that appointment so excited and came out numb.

They found an issue with our baby boy, that he has CDH (congenital diaphragmatic hernia) which means his diaphragm did not develop properly and his heart was pushed over to the left side of his chest where it did not belong and his stomach and other parts were up really high where they did not belong. I could not believe after everything we had been thru prior this was happening. I was numb and shocked.

I was referred to Johns Hopkins Maternal Fetal Medicine for the remainder of my pregnancy, they did an Amniocentesis to check for other genetic abnormalities, they monitored until I was 20 weeks along. At our last visit they told us that his CDH was so severe that if we made it to term that our baby boy would have to go into immediate surgery right after birth to hopefully be able to repair the hole, he would have to be placed on a ECMO machine, which basically is a machine that would breath and pump blood for him they would not be able to send him home for quite a long time if he did make it thru the surgery.

We were faced the biggest decision, if were going to continue with the pregnancy and just hope and pray that he survives surgery after surgery and will he live a happy, healthy life or to terminate our pregnancy.

We had time to look at everything and it took us over a month to come to a decision unselfishly. What would be best for our baby boy. We made the gut-wrenching, heartbreaking decision to allow our baby boy to go to heaven and be with his sister, we did not want him to have to endure what was inevitable. All of the surgeries, pain and discomfort.

I have never felt that much physical and emotional in my entire life. The 3 days we spent in the hospital was a nightmare I just wanted to wake up from, I second guessed my decision countless times. I cried every single minute in that hospital room and was so physically sick I threw up every 5 minutes.

After we left the hospital, leaving another hospital again without our baby. I could not stop crying and I wanted nothing more than to just take my own life. How could I be leaving a hospital without my baby. What did I just do, why was this happening and why us? I had a million questions for God just like I did when we lost our daughter.

It took months to get back to any type of normalcy and to not have such dark thoughts. I missed my baby boy every second. I had flashbacks of the ultrasounds and certain I would see him doing, I just cried and cried. I wanted to go back and be able to get him back and was our decision the right decision???

We could not bring ourselves to go thru such heartache again. We stopped trying after losing him. I could not do it anymore. We made the decision to stop.

Fast forward to today, me and my husband have thought so much over the last almost 2 years since we lost our boy. We want a family; we want our own baby. But we are so scared.

We have started to explore adoption and surrogacy. We had no clue how expensive both are.

We would love and be so grateful to be able to have a surrogate carry our child. Our own child.

We are asking for support to be able to explore surrogacy and be able to bring our baby home.

Thank you reading my story and if you feel that you would be able to help us. We would be forever grateful for you!!!

please share & donate if you are able if not I just want to thank you for taking the time to read our story, and god bless any one who has been thru something similar and baby dust to all!!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

gf.me/u/x2y8w7

Carlos & Kimberly

Felicity (our baby girl in heaven 4/28/17)

Dominick (our baby boy in heaven 10/29/18)