Couldn't sleep, got thinking.

Probably in the wrong place, but I don't know where to put it...

I've been up since just after 3am, it's now nearly 5.

After laying awake for a while, I started thinking about things I'd do differently, especially if I could go back and change how things turned out (quarantine has given me a lot of time to think about how my life would have been different if I'd done even one thing differently). Eventually that led me to thinking about how if I could go back, would I have convinced my Mum to get my older sister on birth control (she never wanted children, she has 2, only has custody of 1). Which of course got me thinking about my older niece (the one she doesn't have custody of). Who I haven't seen since my oldest was about 3 months old, which is just over 4 1/2 years ago... I have no way of contacting her. I don't even know when my sister last saw her (maybe 2 years ago? Maybe longer?). She wouldn't know that I have another baby (1 year old). I don't even know if she'd know about her other cousin (younger sisters Son - 2 years old).

I wonder how she's doing with the whole quarantine thing. This would have been her last year at primary school (5th grade?), before going up to secondary in September, and it's all been disrupted by the corona virus. That can't be easy for her. This should have been a big year for her. With a big leavers party, which of course won't happen. I don't even know how she's already old enough for that, but then I suppose the last time I saw her she was only 7.

I do think about her once in a while, but understandably most of my focus is on my own children. I feel guilty that I didn't try to harder to keep in touch, but when I last saw her my sister was still fighting to get her back.

I hope she's doing okay. I hope she's staying safe and healthy. I'm sorry I didn't try harder. I'm sorry I wasn't in a position to take her in when she was first taken from my sister. I don't even know what I'd say if I was able to track her down... Or if her grandmother (Dad's side - that's who has custody) would give me the time of day. Especially since to my knowledge (I could be wrong) its been a couple years since my sister even spoke to her. I'm essentially part of the family that "abandoned" her...