I started dating my husband when I was 33. I told him that I was done having kids, though he expressed that he wanted kids (Later, “like when I’m 38”). Despite this difference, we continued dating not really thinking it would get too serious. Well, it got serious and we moved in together in year 2. I explained that I was willing to have a baby, but that the clock was ticking. Now 35, it was only downhill from here. DH said he wasn’t ready, not ready for marriage yet or for a baby. So we continued on living together and we were happy until year 4, now 37, when I pleaded with him again “my eggs are getting older, the longer we wait, the harder it will be to get pregnant” “we will be fine” he says “people have babies after 40 all the time” he says. I share the story of my mom and how she had me at 38 and just 2 years later she had to abort my brother because of a severe birth defect caused by old egg not splitting correctly leaving XXY. He sloughs it off. We get engaged in year 5 and 6 months after our engagement, I was diagnosed with adeno carcinoma in situ- of the cervix, basically a precursor to cancer. They did a cold knife cone biopsy and got clear margins but told me I should get a hysterectomy because this type of cancer comes back and is aggressive. I explained that we still wanted a child and the doctor basically said “what are you waiting for” and I said “my soon to be husband!” Anyhow this was the kick in the ass my DH needed, so we started trying and got pregnant after 2 months. “See” he says. Then tragedy struck, the Monday before my 8 week ultrasound I was rushed to the hospital because my tube had exploded and I was bleeding internally. After this loss we tried again and again, <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a>, 2 rounds of

<a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> and no luck. I’m now almost 41 and I find myself resenting my husband for procrastinating, which in effect has caused us lots of pain, a near death experience and we are literally playing with my life biding time until the cancer returns. I’m at the point where I’m ready to use a donor egg because we just got a clear cancer screening so it’s like “now or never” situation. AF came today and we are seeing the doctor to start a cycle Monday. Can you all please share how you felt connected or disconnected with your donor baby? I’m afraid I may feel different carrying this baby than I did with my son, also concerned my resentment toward DH will grow too.