Feeling down

I'd like to preface this by saying I am using this as space to vent. I know a lot is going on the world right now that is more important than me, and I know I'm lucky to even be pregnant. but I still feel like I have the right to be disappointed or upset. I don't want harsh comments about how there are more important things going on right now, or I'm being selfish so if you came here to be judgey and leave unsympathetic, or mean comments, please don't.

I had a missed miscarriage in September. Everything I'd been dreaming of and hopeful for was torn away from me. But I got pregnant again in February, right before Coronavirus hit the fan in the States.

So Im currently 21 weeks today, and this last week has just been really hard and frustrating. I've been doing fairly well, 3 or 4 months of not seeing my friends. I thought I'd get to see them soon but protests happened all over my city and now my closest friends don't feel safe leaving the house. Which I can understand. Obviously I'm not an unreasonable person to expect my friends to make special accommodations for me.

But they keep saying "maybe you can come over next week... Maybe we can go for a walk sometime..." and in my mind I start to get excited to see them but the plans never pan out. We never solidify anything or they cancel on me. So I'm at the point where I'm not expecting to see anyone for a long time.

I love to party plan. I'm really good at it and it's fun for me ... And I wanted to throw a gender reveal party and a cute shower later. Well no gender reveal... And I discussed it with my husband this week and he doesn't think a shower is a good idea for the foreseeable future. I was already battling with secret resentment that I don't have friends who would throw a party for me. But I was happy to throw it myself. And the more I think about it, if we tried to have one even outside, I don't know if anyone would even come. I have a tiny friend circle. 🤷‍♀️

I've always been the person who is there for my friends whenever they need me. And I was there for them in their pregnancies to watch their bumps grow and bring them care packages and treats. And I just feel so isolated and lonely in my own pregnancy. I don't expect to be the center of anyone's world especially right now, but hardly anyone ever checks in. No one tries to do anything for me even at a socially acceptable distance.

I haven't bought a lot of things but I made a registry... People always say don't buy a lot because people want to buy you gifts. All of my friends who've had babies have told me stories of people giving them a bunch of hand me downs, so I haven't worried about baby clothes or anything. But I'm realizing I might not have those people... No one has offered to give me anything. I'm borrowing someone's bassinet and a swing until she needs it back. 🤷‍♀️ That's about it. I know I'm not entitled to free stuff because I'm pregnant but I just thought that's how it would go... People love to pass down baby clothes?

It just feels like loss and grief all over again. Going into something expecting it to be fun and wonderful and exciting with all your friends rallying for you. And to be met with quarantine and loneliness instead.

I've been handling it until the baby shower discussion. And now I'm just feeling really overwhelmed and down and powerless. I just needed to vent and maybe commiserate with some other pregnant mamas dealing with the same feelings.