Long read! Vent Sesh. Advice needed!

Bee • Over 30. TTC. Twin angel babies. 💕

My husband and I have been married for 8 years, but together for 13. Very early in the relationship he said he wanted children. I was 21 and didn’t feel I was ready at that time so we discussed it and I started birth control. I told him I wanted to be married, have a home and a better car before bringing a child in the world. I was also advancing in my career, but he wasn’t and I really wanted him to catch up so we could have a stable household. Well we got married at 23 and bought another car and our home at 24, but still had work to do. Well things progressed in the right direction and 3 years ago we fell pregnant, but lost our twins. We were crushed and silently I still am battling with it. We have been on and off trying ever since.

At my recent pap visit in March, I spoke with my Ob/Gyn about our unsuccessful ttc journey. She decided to refer me for an HSG, which came back perfectly fine. I have normal periods and no issues so my gyno referred my husband to get a sperm analysis. I asked him to schedule an appt and he procrastinated,then came COVID. When businesses started opening again, I reminded him to schedule and he caught an attitude with me saying I’m bugging him about it, knowing he doesn’t want to be around other people until the pandemic is 100% over. I didn’t feel like me saying “book an appt” was nagging, but I may be wrong. He even brought up the fact that I got on birth control years ago and didn’t give him a choice in the matter. Quite honestly I felt like he wouldn’t have been able to support us if I would’ve decided to stay home with a child which is why I saw no point in rushing to have a child back then.

I’ve been feeling so selfish and guilty since he brought the BC issue up and now I feel like its all my fault why we don’t have kids and that I should’ve just tried back then. Well fast forward to Monday, his lab results came back and he has low sperm count and low motility. They gave me a # to a urologist and suggested he call and book an appt.

When I gave my husband the not so great news, he showed no emotion, didn’t ask questions, and basically just continued on with his day as if I didn’t just tell him, in my opinion, devastating news. I’m heartbroken and confused! He says he really wants children, but he’s not showing me he does.

I have felt like I was failing at getting pregnant month after month, for YEARS, worried all this time that it could be me, when it wasn’t. It’s been 3 days since I told him the results. He hasn’t said addressed it, hasn’t called the urologist, and I feel like he’s being distant. I am considering that he just may be processing the info differently than I have.

Now I don’t know how to approach the next steps or if I should even bother. What should I do? ☹️