(sorry in advance for no capital letters!! my phone is kinda broken :/)

i’m 14 and i’m suuuper introverted. i only have like 3 friends and i really struggle to make new ones. i’m gonna give the people in this fake names just to make it easier to understand. anyway, i met one of my best friends, cameron, in 5th grade (i’m going into 9th grade now). around the time i met cameron, i had also become friends with this new girl called amy. halfway through 6th grade amy just started to completely ignore me for no reason. she was my best friend and i didn’t really understand why she did that at the time but i ended up making new friends. i actually met my current best friend, patricia after amy ditched me. during 6th grade cameron and i kinda stopped hanging out bc we had both liked each other and kind of just grew apart. during december of 7th grade me and amy reconnected after she was switched into one of my classes. amy and i had gotten so close that she was over almost every weekend and would call my mom, her mom. towards the end of the year amy, patricia, cameron, and i had become a super close group and hung out all of the time. during this i had a huge crush on cameron (again). amy had a boyfriend at the time and i would 3rd wheel a lot. i talked to amy about my crush on cameron often and she always encouraged me to tell him and stuff like that. since cameron was the only boy in our group we had all become really comfortable around him and treated him like he was just another girl. one day our group went to the movies and we all liked to cuddle together (that probably sounds weird lol) so that what we were doing. i just remember being so excited after the movies when i was on ft with amy. i was telling her about how we held hands and stuff and then amy told me that they kissed and she didn’t know if she should tell her boyfriend or not. shortly after we hung up and i must’ve cried myself to sleep for a week straight after that. about 3 days after they kissed she told her boyfriend (they hadn’t even kissed at this point) and he decided to stay with her. other than her boyfriend and cameron, i was the only one that was there for her. all of her friends left her.

fast forward to the last day of school, i had gotten over my crush on cameron and amy was still with her bf. my birthday was coming up and amy and i had gotten into a huge argument bc she decided to go to some else’s party instead of mine. it really hurt me bc she didn’t really have a good reason to do that and it wasn’t even that person’s birthday. 3 people showed up to my birthday party and i had to look at pictures of her having fun at the other party all over social media. we didn’t talk to each other at all until july. we started to text and ft and then hang out irl until school started again. we ended up having a couple classes together but she would never talk to me in them. i asked her about it and she just said that she had other friends to talk to. at this point i was already being cautious of getting too close to her again so i just dropped her completely after she told me that. i was closer than ever with cameron and patricia at this point. sometime around january-february cameron and amy started dating. cameron and i had talked about it and i just told him to be careful bc of all the times she messed with me.

the longer cameron and amy were together, the farther cameron and i grew apart. we used to tell each other everything and he was the one person that i felt i could always rely on. he had started to distance himself more and i always heard stuff about him from other friends of his and sometimes people he didn’t even know. i’d never heard anything from him. but the more he and grew apart the closer him and patricia had gotten. a month or two ago i sent cameron a long paragraph about how i felt and that i wanted to get back to where we used to be. he apologized and told me that he was going to try harder to communicate with me and stuff. in the beginning things were getting better but they eventually started to get back to before i talked to him.

cameron and amy broke up a couple weeks ago btw. a couple days ago i sent him another paragraph about how i was feeling and that we weren’t really talking anymore (ik it’s prob annoying but i think it’s better than holding everything in🤷‍♀️). he apologized again and said he felt really bad etc. but nothing’s really changed. ik it hasn’t been long but i’ve been in so much emotional pain recently bc i’ve never felt so alone and left out in my own friend group. my two best best friends are closer to each other than they probably ever will be with me and they always hang out together with other people. i try to make plans too. but there always busy. i’ll ask patricia if she’s free in the next couple of days and then she’ll end up hanging out with someone the same day that i ask her to hang out. and cameron’s changed so much recently. sometimes i can barely recognize him anymore. ik that people grow and change and losing friends is just part of growing up so i’m not sure what to do. maybe cameron and i are just getting older and we’re not the same any more? i told him that i feel like trying to hold on to him is just hurting to much and that maybe it’s better to let go. he told me he’d do better but idk if he actually will. should i just let him go?

thank you to anyone who read all of this lol. i probably shared way too much!!

sorry if this was hard to understand😬