After 10 years of battling an addiction that started from getting into a car accident and his lawyer referring him to a quack who over prescribed him painkillers, to seeking out hard drugs to help with the pain of withdrawal. I lost my older brother at the age of 36 on June 7, 2020.

He had just gotten out of a 90 day stay at a new program. He was doing amazingly well. Then the virus caused the center to cut of visitation, his wife divorced him while he was in there, and when he got out life hit him hard. He was found alone in his hotel room, lighter in hand by the door like he was going out for a smoke. We don’t know what the exact cause of death was yet but all I know is I miss him so much. A couple days before he was found he and I got into a small tiff over my mother. He wanted me to think about making amends with her and I was upset he wouldn’t let it go since it had been 12 years of her and I not speaking. I didn’t talk to him to two days and then the night before he reached out to me. I was so stupid and stubborn.

This virus and everything in the world makes me so mad. The last time I saw him and was able to touch him was March 7th. I didn’t even get to see him when he can home 5/24. I was so sick and distraught, I barely ate at all last week and now I’m worried I hurt the baby. I’m 22 weeks pregnant with my first child after 3 year of infertility. I was so excited to see him and so he could see my bump. I had to tell him over the phone I was pregnant because I wasn’t allowed to see him. We were so close. I wanted him better so bad. I thought I had made peace with this ever happening but I had so much hope with this program. It was different then all the others and a longer time frame.

Now people are coming to me asking about a baby shower. What do I want for it or where? I want to focus on healing from the loss of my brother! My MIL told me that I need to now focus on the baby. That the shower needs to be planned and we have to “get the ball rolling”. My best friend who’s doing the shower with her told me that she’s going to handle it and that I need to just take my time. So here I am bawling because I feel selfish even thinking about something other than my brother. We waited so long for this and the pregnancy has had nothing but a dark cloud over it.

I feel so selfish. How do I mourning him and go on through life? I miss him so much.