My miscarriages made me not believe in god anymore

After 4 back to back miscarriages including a molar pregnancy that was absolutely traumatizing, I lost all my faith. Not only was I the 1 in 4 to have a miscarriage, I was the 1 in 1500 to have a molar and then the 1% to need chemo to get rid of it and then the 1% to go on to have 3 more miscarriages. I prayed everyday. For every pregnancy. And they all ended. I prayed for strength and I ended up in therapy diagnosed with depression. I also prayed for something good to happen to me, anything at all, and the next week, I was suspended (for a year) from my university for an unfortunate situation.

I haven’t prayed at all this pregnancy. And we heard a heartbeat for the first time. I know, you religious people might say “it’s God’s plan, he knows what he’s doing”. “God works in mysterious ways”. I hate hearing that. God wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most. And now I’m supposed to believe he did all that to me just to give me this baby now? When crackheads and alcoholics can carry a healthy baby to term without ever experiencing a miscarriage? Trust me, I KNOW life isn’t fair, I’m not naive. I just truly don’t think there’s a god orchestrating everything. “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle” which is why some teens kill themselves over things they couldn’t handle? Why do babies die? Because they’re needed more in heaven? Give me a break. Why do little kids get raped and murdered horrifically??? No god I would ever want to believe in would do that. No one can ever justify that to me. No reason to make innocent children live in pain and suffer.

There are so many other reasons why I don’t believe anymore. So many inconsistencies in religion. Ironically, so much hate and war comes from religion. I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I have myself to thank. I gave myself the strength to keep going. My growing baby is out of my control, yes. I just hope everything works out because that’s all I can do.

I learned my lesson to not put all of my trust into a “god”. Because at the end of the day, all it did for me was give me false hope. False hope that someone was going to bless me with what I deserved finally.

My in-laws are devout Mormons so that makes things difficult. When I tell them soon that I’m pregnant again, they will thank god and say it was because they prayed for me everyday. If I get to meet my baby in February, they will thank god. They will make us pray with them. And it’ll be so incredibly awkward. I don’t have the heart to tell them I think it’s all a load of shit so I have to play along.

When something good happens it’s because god willed it to happen. And when something bad happens it’s because “god works in mysterious ways”. Always trying to justify something NO ONE can prove even exists (I know—that’s the whole point of having faith).

I know a lot of you will disagree with me because all I see on here is “god this, god that”. If that’s what makes you feel better then of course, believe it. I know a lot of people are religious because it brings them comfort knowing there’s something after death and that all the bad that happens to them is a part of the big plan. That’s fine. I believe that sometimes bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people just because that’s life. With pregnancy, you roll a dice every time you get pregnant. Some get lucky every time and some don’t.

That’s what I believe and it’s made me happy. I’m not being punished for anything, I don’t deserve all the pain I’ve been through. It’s all random and it’s life.

If you’re struggling and faith isn’t helping, try to look at life from a different perspective. It helped me and it could help you!

(I see a lot of being defending their beliefs by saying god gave us free will and the devil is the cause of all the bad which is contradictory to when god is making bad things happen because it’s part of your plan...so god gave us the ability to believe in him or not believe in him so when the rapture happens only the people who believe in him will be “saved”?? But he loves all his children......make it make sense)