Pregnant and Suicidal

Idk what to really say other than that......this has been going on for me for many years and now I'm pregnant and feeling it amd terrified of what's all to come.... I know for some, a child gives purpose and meaning and is a blessing in this time, but all I feel ks burdened, that now there's a reason I have to stay alive and I'm feeling resentful of that:( I know that makes me sound like a monster and that just makes me even more ashamed and self loathing......I honestly just don't know what to do. I'm sitting in my bathroom having a meltdown and the majority of my mind just wants to let it consume me at this point and completely let go and give in. And this teeny part of me is just screaming for some kimd of help wherever I can find it:(