My Boyfriend’s Fetish...is Other Men UPDATE/EDIT
Long Post ‼️
Update07/18: Thank you for all of the responses on the other post. I am being very naive. I have been sorting through my thoughts and feelings and have come to the decision to have a conversation with my boyfriend about how I do not trust him or what he’s telling me and I am really struggling. Like it has been consuming me. So I planned on doing this Wednesday after work. Well I got to his hour and he was in bed sick. Turns out he hung out with people from work after and was hammered. So I didnt talk to him. Thursday I had class and he had hockey practice. So Friday was the day, or night I guess. Well, he tells me that he got bad news that day. His daughters moms boyfriend is kicking her out and she has no where to go but across the country to live with her mom. She has no family here and no friends to stay with. My boyfriend has no options for child care. He’s a mess, and now I feel like I cannot tell him how I’ve been feeling. I can’t break up with him now, what kind of person does that make me? I’d feel awful. I’d be leaving him with no one because he too has no family at all nearby and no friends that he hangs out with or talks to consistently. Do I suffer though all of this even longer, who knows how long? And how? Like I said, we have a great time together but everything that has happened has not left my mind and it is in my thoughts constantly. I can literally just start crying out of nowhere over it. I’m so sad and confused. And I feel bad that this is so after the fact of all of this happening but I really did not know why to do. I realize I probably led him on, although he knows I’m not happy and still upset about what I know. I’m really stuck now.
ORIGINAL POST: September 2019. My boyfriend comes home drunk after he’s been drinking with friends. We falls asleep while I watch tv, we cuddle and then eventually move our separate ways on the bed. But I am still awake and bored and that’s when I deicide to snoop in my my boyfriends phone.
What am I trying to find? Well, nothing. I’m just being nosey. Text messages - nothing interesting. Messenger - baby mama messages but nothing out of the ordinary. Snapchat - perfect-body models, nothing I usually trip about (anymore). Instagram - nothing. But wait..there’s a way to get to more apps on the Android? (I’ve always been team iPhone so who knew?) There was a lot of random apps, nothing sketchy. Other than this app I’m unfamiliar with. Unfamiliar with the icon and unfamiliar with the name. So naturally I click on that one. And low and behold...messages. At least a hundreds different threads of conversations so i start to look through them. There are graphic messages. And pictures. And videos. All of them...with men. This is Grindr. I am on my boyfriends Grindr profile.
**FYI we both tested positive for HIV a couple years before me finding this out. It was always up in the air who it came from, not that it mattered but it does kind of bother you from time to time. I am in a better place about this now, but this really made it harder to think about.
I literally do not know what to think. I have seen this before when snooping. Emails actually of conversations with men but I was told he was hacked. And now here I am finding in his phone the Grindr app. And pictures of him, MY boyfriend with a penis down his throat.
I am frantic. Frantically looking at all of this and trying to take it in. Long story short, he confessed that this is something he had done in the past. And recently started again because of his depression from my cheating.
This was a week before his birthday. The birthday after I had dumped him for another a guy. I wanted to leave him, again. But I did not have the heart to, not before his birthday. Not after he had had the worst birthday ever the year before. So we dropped it and he swore he would not cheat on me again.
Fast forward to a week ago. We had an early night. It had been a long work week. But something woke me up early in the morning (around 4am) and I was not going to bed anytime soon. So what did I deicide to do? Well, I decided to look through my boyfriends phone...again (don’t judge me).
The Grindr app has not been redownloaded and there are no graphic pictures in his camera roll. However, I go to the messenger app and while there are no messages, I feel something isn’t right (I think, or maybe I am just this nosey). I click on his messenger profile where you can view your blocked list and change your active status. I go to “Switch Accounts” and to my surprise see a Facebook profile that I do not recognize. I do however recognize the picture on the profile, it is the picture from the Grindr account. My heart DROPS.
Mind you this is a Sunday morning and the last message was sent Thursday night at 12:30am. The previous messages, are from March 31st. And there are about 15+ different threads (someone must have been bored). Now I know I wasn’t here that day because I had homework due that night. But as I’m scrolling through the threads, I notice that these messages date back to 2012. This is before we were even together (we got together in 2013).
I am seeing new pictures that I didnt see on the Grindr app. And new videos. Videos that look recent. He has on a shirt I remember him buying but I do not remember when. And in one video he has on his work uniform...for the new job he got after I found our about this in September..
He wakes up. I mention nothing. Until he finally pulls it out of me, “Seriously what is wrong with you” he says. I know about Brandon Thompson, I tell him (the other Facebook profile). “What are you taking about”, he asks. And I show him. And he looks for awhile and says “this is not me”.
UMM JOW IS THIS NOW YOU?!
He says this isn’t my profile I didnt know it was on here. And I’m looking like, do you think I’m stupid??
He tells me that is must have been the hacker. Because he hasn’t done anything since the last time we talked about all of this and you were with me on Friday night? How could I possibly think this was him sending all these messages?
Like maybe because this is your phone....and the password to get into this account is the same password you have used with everything else.... He swears up and down it isn’t him.
I say well how about this video of you taking it in the ass in your work uniform in the woods?? (YED I said in the woods...).
He hesitated to tell me. But he does. This is the story he give me... he tells me that the tranny he used to hook up with before we were together and for the small amount of time during the summer of 2019 (what I found our about in Sept.) hit him up to buy some weed. He agreed to meet after work. Since the tranny owed him money from the last time they hung out he planned on shorting her a couple grams. When he got there and walked around the back door, the tranny and mother man jumped out of the woods with a gun. He says they held the gun to him and demanded he suck the tranny off. He did, and the video shows it. And then it shows him getting fucked in the ass. He says he did not know that video existed (he claimed to not know what I was talking about when I said he got fucked in the woods). So they raped him, and took the weed. He tells me this through text because I was so mad before work the next morning that I called him out and sent him the video. When I arrive at his house later that day we briefly talk about it and cries over what happened to him.
Now, I have been raped. More than once. I feel for him. I’m scared for him and I told last time I was more worried about him getting hurt while meeting up with random people from Grindr. It breaks my heart. And while I do believe that this happened because what asshole would lie about getting raped, I just don’t believe that he is telling the whole truth.
This may have happened. But I just don’t believe he did not know about this profile on his account (he said he made it before we were together and it just must have still been on there). I don’t believe that it hasn’t happened since we talked in September because I swear the short he was wearing was bought after that. I was there. I can’t be 100% sure and that’s where it gets me.
So that Sunday night after finding all of this..I try and get back on the profiles from my phone because I know the password and the email associated with it (the email btw, I wasn’t able to find. It said it didn’t exist when I tried logging into it). Well I could not get on it because the password had been changed! Now, I asked my boyfriend about this, but he said he didn’t do it. How can I know for sure? I left that morning so angry and did homework all day at my house.
Since finding out (it has been a week), my boyfriend and I have still been hanging out. Still being boyfriend and girlfriend. I love him so so much. He is my first long term boyfriend, we have been together for 7 years. He knows all my flaws and quirks. I cannot see myself with anyone else, I just really love him and care about him. But I don’t know how to cope with all of this. I do not know how to trust him and what he is telling me. I feel like I al maybe scared to leave. For myself and for him. I don’t want him to be sad again and I don’t want him to go back to random hookups like this’d it’s just not safe for him or for his family.
Am I actually stupid for staying?
EDIT: Yes, everyone.. I am still with him after finding out we had HIV. It is likely he gave it to me but we’ll never know for sure. Still, it’s scary. We have invested a lot into each other. I love his daughter and we have a dog and have been looking at places together so it’s difficult to just forget everything like that. And then the thought of telling someone else that I might be interested in at all is scary because who wants anyone to know that.