Feeling alone

I am going through a divorce and I have 2 kids and although I initiated divorce I am still super sad and bummed over it. I miss my husband. Despite the bad shit he’s done to me I still love him and always will. I am struggling hard with my feelings at night. During the day I’m fine, but once it gets dark and I’m in bed alone it hits me hard. I try opening up to people so I can vent but none of them truly care. My husband even said he’d always be there but he’s so blasé about it. It makes me feel worse because i’m truly the only one out of us suffering. He seems to like his new bachelor life. I’ve taken on 100% responsibility with the kids and I start a new job in our new state on Monday and I’m depressed. I’m already taking Zoloft. I know I need to speak to a therapist. My world is just so dark now. I feel like I’ll never find real love, and I feel like I don’t deserve it. I’m a good person, I’m there for everyone when they need but now that my life is falling apart and I’m going through the worst time of my life, I feel like no one is here for me. It hurts so bad. Makes me feel like I’m so unworthy and undeserving. I’ve even had suicidal thoughts. Not in the way of oh my life sucks so bad I want to lull myself it’s more so that I don’t want to feel the pain anymore. I could never do that to my kids. So it doesn’t go beyond the thought of oh if I died my pain would end. It ends there when I realize my kids deserve a happy mom. Which is why I left in the first place. I’m just so weak right now. I just needed to vent.