I feel so broken 😞

I’ve been married just over 6 years. We’ve always had our fights, as all couples do, but lately things have just been so much worse.

We’ve fought just about every day for the past 2 months, if not longer. And while if it was just me, I would have left a long time ago. It isn’t, we have a miracle baby that we fought through several years of infertility to have.

I love him, but I don’t know how much longer I can handle him. He picks fights all the time. We could be having a great day, then out of thin air he’ll start a fight over something stupid like a sock. He’ll scream at me at the top of his lungs and call me a shitty wife amongst other things, and claim that I must not care about our baby because if I did I’d be a better wife to him.

We always said we’d never fight in front of our kids, but he’s not holding up his end of that. He’ll scream till I’m in tears while I try to calmly talk to him. My 16 month old has seen me upset and crying, and has been the one who came over to me and wiped the tears off my face. My baby! She should never have to be the one who does that. It breaks my heart so much that she seems to know to do that. She hugs me and gives me kisses as her dad just continues on being an ass.

I would never want my baby to grow up in a broken home, she deserves so much more than that.

To top it all off, I’m having a lot of medical problems since having our baby. I’ve had surgery recently and am on medication that makes me feel awful just about all the time, but I have to ignore it because I’m a mother, a college student, and a wife. My husband has been working from home for months now, and when I say working, I mean that I’m doing his work for him because he’s not good with computers. I am one person doing everything, and he doesn’t help. Yet, I don’t ever say anything about it. Still, he argues that I’m a shitty wife and mother, and that I should be more appreciative of how hard HE works for us. Yet, he’s not actually doing any work. He’s laying on the couch. I’d leave him, but I’d have no way to support our baby if I did. I don’t have my own vehicle and I still have a year and a half of school left. I also don’t have any family left, they’ve all passed away quite recently. I’m stuck.

More than anything I want our marriage to work, I do love him. I want our baby to grow up in a happy home filled with love. Just it seems like no matter how hard I work, it never enough. He’ll always find a fault somewhere, and if one doesn’t exist he’ll create one. He refuses to go to counseling with me. I’m just running out of fight to keep me going. I am so depressed and I feel so broken.