I give up

Semen analysis shows less 0.92 so not even a 1 million sperm. I have endometriosis & scarring in uterus. I suffer from auto immune illnesses. I finally found the man of my dreams & we are engaged living together trying for 1yr to concieve. I know he feels bad & probably embarrassed. All I can think about is everything I e gone through since birth. I lie not when I say its been nothing but suffering, abuse, solitude, & just existing. I want to crawl into a hole & stop existing altogether. But I know it'd kill those i love that would be left behind & im religious...go figure....still religious despite all this. What's the point? I can't afford ivf. Don't even think we'd be able to try. 32 yrs old & nothing in my life has been more important to me than this. I always saw myself as a mom. A good mom. A mom who protected her child & believe ld her child when they said something. A mother who would be affectionate & idk susy freaking home maker. Decorating every holiday to the extreme. Reading to my child....& now its seem all gone. How can you mourn something you didn't have? Idk....i wish you all baby dust. Seems there wasn't any left for me....