Hi, I just thought I’d post on here to get some unbiased opinions/advice.

Short background: I’m 20 years old, I have 2 older siblings (a 26 yrs old brother and a 27 yr old sister.)

Me and my siblings are all first generations. My parents are immigrants but have been in Canada for 2 decades. Up until the age of 12-13 I was raised in a single parent home. My parents were not divorced however my dad lived in another province due to his work. So when my dad finally moved into the house and started living there full time it was a shock to my system.

He had rules and expectations that I wasn’t used to nor did I agree with. Our relationship has always had friction but that’s a whole different story.

To make a long story short me and my siblings all deal with mental health issues resulting from some trauma in our upbringing. My brother deals with his issues by using drugs and has had more “sever” issues I guess you could say in comparison to me and my sister. I deal with an eating disorder high functioning depression upon other things and I choose to isolate myself from my family because just being around them or thinking of them causes me pain.

And my sister deals with her issue by being controlling and a narcissist.

Out of both of my siblings I feel more understanding and empathetic towards my brother because I feel like I can understand him more yet we’ve never really been close.

Sometimes I feel so much pain seeing him suffer that I want to try to help him by being there for him or talking to him more or possible checking on him more... but what stops me is the fact that I feel so drained from my own issues I need to deal with. Majority of the time I feel like my life is out of control... so I wonder how can I possible help my siblings when I don’t even have my own shit together...

I feel like I’m such a shitty sister because I’m not there for my brother as much as I should be... I really do want to be more supportive but at the same time all I want to do is separate myself from my family entirely and create a new identity for myself. I’m usually out of the house from early morning to late at night just to avoid them....

Am I selfish because of this?