So lost and unmotivated

I don't know where this goes...

Alot is happening emotionally and I'm struggling.. Here's some of my story.

I seperated from my husband, both christians, which doesn't make this look good in sure. 12 years of arguing and trying to understand each other, plus him being a momma's boy, them treating me like I don't know stuff, ganging up on me in conversations with her.. I mean there were good times to.. I still love him.. but we arent good for each other, there was emotional abuse..

I struggle with anxiety and depression, and alot of the time I would freak out about back pain and just have stupid panic attacks, and he would get frustrated when i would need him, just to hold me or talk to me.. always looking at his phone, work and being productive was his go to.. last thing was when he took me to urgent care and he left me there, went home, and I called to tell him he could come in but he said he was at home because he thought it would take a while.. and this was on my birthday.

At one point he said having sex with me was a chore, but then he had no trouble talking to his cousin who was our roommate, that he would tap in on a tinder he had the other night.. then when I got upset because he said it in front of me, he said he was joking..

Eventually I left, the struggle was real, feeling crazy and depression was getting to me, feeling like the only way out was to end it.. I mean I did end up getting on medication.. but all I felt like I could lean on was my best friend, who would talk me into coming over, getting hugs and meeting up places when I was starting to feel like I couldn't breathe..

I'm a super empathetic personal.. we had a parent child like relationship.. he did all the bills I handed him my paychecks.. which I got my CDL (commerical drivers lisence) for him.. he opened credit cards in my name because it would help us.. and when I got injured and couldn't drive, I started going to physical therapy but he didn't want to go, he just kept asking when I'd be ready to go back to work..

We had a miscarriage, he said I changed, I mean when I started bleeding he got upset that I said I need to go to see a doctor.. like it was pretty traumatizing.

At the point where the real drama begins, going over to my best friends house, me and my ex were already seperated in my mind, he was sleeping down stairs, avoiding me when I got dressed or undressed, basically doing our own thing.

So fast forward to this.. drama with my sister taking my exs side, because I ended up sleeping with my now roommate, my sister is hardcore christian.. saying it's her moral duty as a christian after recording my convo and my best friends convo with her and sending to my now ex.. after getting me to fully confide in her, as I'm in tears..

Then.. to now, 9 months later still seperated. Im living with my best friend/roomate during this pandemic. My ex still contacting me, I've Gained lots of weight, I'm an emotional eater! I'm up like 40 lbs since all this! I'm struggling to loose it, one thing he said to me that still sticks which I know he knows isn't true, is that I'm a gold digger.. because I want to be out of debt, I didn't want anything else.. and then finally I was like let's just split everything because I gave him the house we bought together...I mean he refinanced it and got me to take my name off to do so.. I just feel sick.

I don't know why I'm saying all this and or I'm expecting.. I just feel sad and depressed and lost.