Super long but need to vent!

I'm not sure how to make this not so long, so bear with me. I need an unbiased take on this.

After being single for months, I randomly reconnected with my guy bff from like 20 years ago. Sparks absolutely FLEW and things escalated way faster than I intended (not all the way, but still physical), mostly because we both always had feelings for each other. It has been such a roller coaster with this, with it being absolute fire, to him ghosting me, then me finding out (from a mutual friend) that he was going through some personal stuff, to us being friends again, and then it escalating all over again (albeit a lot slower this time). But his self-proclaimed shortcomings prevent him from really giving anything else outside of that. And my anxiety makes me overthink EVERYTHING. So it finally crashed and burned a couple weeks ago.

However, there was this loose end of us never actually going all the way after 20 years and all this recent emotional and physical buildup. So I made him a no-strings offer to finally finish what we started so many times. He accepted (because of course he did lol) and it was absolutely NUCLEAR - in a good way.

Now it's all I can think about. I promised myself I would keep my emotions separate from this for obvious reasons, but I have a bad feeling that was the end game for him this whole time. I am trying so hard to detach myself from it now because he's not even expressed interest in keeping the no-strings thing going despite my standing offer. It's only been a few days but it's starting to make me feel really bad about myself; I'm already insecure from my previous relationship, and now I'm stranded in this purgatory not knowing what to do. I need to let him go but I keep telling myself my friend is still in there and I can't give up on him. It's an absolute nightmare.

I am a single mom of two kids, in my thirties... What is wrong with me?