Is it me?

So i don’t know if I actually have any friends, that’s kind of weird to say but no one really hits me up, or asks about me and I guess I kind of don’t either especially when I know they don’t really (like) me that much and honestly most times I just don’t have anything to say.

I don’t like forcing conversations with people who aren’t interested in me and I definitely don’t like being guilted into it talking to someone either.

Once I used to be in a friend group of 3, the other two were closer to each other and they would always go out without me despite us making plans so we could all see each other. I’ve always felt like I was third wheeling and it seemed like a burden for them to invite me out because I had different schedules to them and transportation issues and things like they so they just stopped.

One of them will text me saying they miss me and why aren’t I making plans with them, or why don’t I want to see them? But the way they say is like they’re blaming me for not being around? I don’t know how to explain it but this person makes it seem like they’re the one putting in effort to see me and I’m not reciprocating when that really isn’t the case. They’ll explain that they have a busy schedule and things like that but can’t really seem to understand that I’m also busy.

Isn’t it like if you miss someone you’ll take the initiative and makes plans to see them? I’ve never been invited to hang out with this person, it’s always been me making the plans. It sounds like my pride is getting in the way or something but I just feel like something is lacking in this friendship? Maybe understanding? I told them I’ve been having a hard time bc 2020 has really been crazy but I feel like that got swept under the rug and now we just don’t really talk anymore.

With my other friends, we have different values but we’re still friends just not close. I can see them all hanging out with their groups and then there’s me, an outsider. I don’t really think I’m close to anyone and it’s weird??? I feel lonely, like I’m the only person who doesn’t have a close friend or a best friend. I thought I was getting close to someone but it’s been crickets for a long time.

I’m don’t want to give up and I still want to go out there and make new friends and experience new things. I guess right now I’m just in a dry state. Hopefully I get out of this funk soon. What do you think?