I actually left (also break ups suck)

So I actually left yesterday. After 3 years I finally left my fiancé. I couldn’t deal with the verbal or emotional abuse anymore, I felt like my emotions and thoughts and even memory were constantly being manipulated and I had no idea what was happening. I didn’t like who I was becoming either, and especially in the last fight I was disappointed in myself bc I felt like I stooped to his level just to be heard. But it escalated to physical and there was no excuse for that, especially when it shouldn’t have been a fight in the first place. It shouldn’t happen at all, but I’m also 12 weeks pregnant. He pinned me down on the ground with a knee to the back of my neck and grabbed my jaw pressing the pressure point hard. I was squirming trying to get out but I didn’t fight back. I kind of went numb during the struggle and it just felt surreal, like I wasn’t even there anymore or thinking clearly. It didn’t seem real until I looked in the mirror hours later and saw the marks and scratches on my neck and collarbone. None of it even hurt until today - now the scratches are painful when touched and my neck is sore. I packed up some clothes and items I’d need, took my dog and left yesterday afternoon to go to my parents house for a few days.

Last night was really hard and I cried A LOT. He was the first guy I ever loved, only serious relationship, I’ve been with him since I was 20. Not to mention I’m now pregnant and feel like I lost my independence a bit - I had to leave my own home and am back at my parents house, when I’ve been more or less out and independent since 18. It’s not a great feeling (though I’m grateful for having a place to stay). My ex is now saying we just need space. He kept trying to say he’d never hurt me and didn’t, but I’d sent him pictures of my neck. Hours later he finally apologized saying it was unintentional, and I was like “how is grabbing someone’s jaw pressure point unintentional? The only purpose of doing that was to hurt me”. He says he regrets not agreeing to go to relationship counseling to work out our communication issues, he hasn’t told anyone about the breakup, he’s hoping we’ll get back together, he’s not going to move on. He’s also suddenly acting excited about the pregnancy, asking about going to the ultrasound, etc. even though when we were together he’d make it seem like a chore to make time for an ultrasound and told me multiple times he didn’t want the child. And now he’s saying “we’re having a baby together” “you won’t be alone” bla bla bla. I figured the sweet guy I loved would resurface at some point after I left.

But I’m done. It really does suck. And I don’t resent the baby at all, but I always imagined having kids with the love of my life, not being pregnant and alone, someone’s baby mama and having to see the first guy who broke my heart for the rest of my life. I also feel like it’s hard to move on and get over someone when you’re pregnant with their child. But I know leaving was the best choice for me and the baby. I told my family what happened for accountability. My dad wants me to stay with them for a while for safety (and I think probably to make sure we don’t get back together) but I need to get my own place and figure out my life. My cat is still at the house, and I think I’ll start to feel better and more independent, and also start to heal once I can get settled into my own place. Once I sign that lease I know for sure we won’t be getting back together.

I’m proud of myself for leaving, bc it was a long time coming, but the sad thing is I still miss him and still love him and want him to text me. Despite everything I went through and put up with (not saying I was perfect, but a lot of not-okay things happened) there’s that part of me that really wants him back. I think it will get water with time, but it really sucks being pregnant and single and knowing I’m going to be a single mom when I always thought it would be us doing it together.