I feel like I contradict myself

This is like heavy on me for real. So I have already posted about it, got very helpful answers but I need to rant because I’m trying to understand myself, self reflect and think about what I truly want.

Someone in the child free groups I just got accepted into (finally)just told me that they never experienced the “urge” to get pregnant. Never cared for babies or children, never thought that they were cute. Has zero interest in any of it at all and never understood the interest, said that when her mom gifted her a baby doll she literally said “ew” lmfao. And see that’s totally understandable. I get that. I am that, but I’m also not. Besides the ew part and this is why.

I love kids, absolutely adore kids. I have over 10 years worth of childcare experience because before I worked in daycare for 5 years I was a teachers aid, volunteering for 5 years as a teen.

I can say I am nearly fully certified in childcare and yes on paper. If I don’t pursue nursing, I will pursue being a school teacher. Haven’t decided, I move slower than the rest.

That’s not even mentioning the rest of my experience in childcare because my mom was a foster parent for 10 years, literally elected as the top foster home in the state for having over 100kids come through our home in a ten year time span. My mom would have 8 small children at a time. I was raised in a daycare basically.

So kids, absolutely a second nature to me. Not only that but I enjoy teaching kids, I enjoy guiding them. My moms billion foster children never negatively affected me other than I think it may have caused attachment issues. My mom would legit be in the middle of adopting a child and a family member who lives 3000 miles away and never spoke a word for the first 3 years of the kids life can show up and take them because kinship has seniority, doesn’t matter if you’ve had the child 16 years(no my mom never waited 16 years this is an example). If their great great uncle shows up and says they want the child and the legal adoption has not taken place, they can take them. That caused a lot of heart break for me.

But anyways I never felt like having a large family was forced on me and I never was forced to take care of them like it seems a lot of “oldest siblings” have had done to them. I seriously don’t have a single memory of when my mom forced me to help her take care of them. When I helped take care of the children at home, it’s because i wanted to. I took it upon myself to help my mom care for them. I helped her bathe them, wash laundry, cook diner, feed them, put them to bed and so on. I even would get up in the middle of the night with them. get a lot of comments like “I’m surprised you don’t hate kids by now”

No not at all.

Another thing, I am clucky with babies. I literally like newborn baby cries, my SIL thought i was crazy because her twin newborns would be screaming bloody murder and id be like “oh come here you sweet perfect little child hehe” it has a totally different affect on me than it does normal people. I am very good with babies because just enjoy every single thing about them, people call me over when their baby is in inconsolable. Super nanny can catch these hands (total sarcasm) When I see a mother breast feeding her child, I feel JEALOUS. I feel jealous of this obvious incredible bond that she has with her baby, that nobody can ever take away.

So I think I may understand my reasoning of jealousy behind that one now, and I’m not thinking it’s some biological thing going off in my head like “do you see that, do you see that momma with her baby, whilst YOUR eggs are over here BEING WASTED.”

No I think I may get that now since I’ve mentioned my attachment issues above.

Anyways, back to the topic. I am all of this, yet I am still “no” when it comes to kids. The urge to carry my own baby, it is something I see my friends struggle with sometimes and I don’t understand it. Don’t take that the wrong way, I’m not an idiot and I am aware of when my friends are in pain even when I may not understand why.

My friends can come to me at any time to talk to me about their losses and TTC journey and I am open ears and heart.

I will never ever be like “yeah can’t relate”

But I do find myself wanting to ask them to explain what it’s like for me because I don’t feel that way. I don’t have the innate urge to carry and birth a child, at all. It’s just not there. I really catch myself wondering what that feels like, and trying to feel it. And that makes me sad as hell. But now I’m reflecting on WHY I feel sad about that, what exactly is there to be sad about? This topic was brought up in my last post.

I am 24 now and man I really thought that by this age id be ready for a baby, but my SO and I decided an IUD would be best because it helps assure that we have a few more years to decided on kids. Quite a few. He’s in the same boat as I.

My profile is now public so if you want to go look at my last post to get more info it’ll be there.

This is a really huge deal to me. the decision to start a family is no small decision, and I’m going to spend a long time reflecting on it. Just needed an outlet.

Thank you for reading all of this If you have, at this point that you’re a kind person for that 🤣❤️