Struggling with sex...

I am super struggling with sex with my husband. This is long, sorry.

We've been married for a couple years and we have sex pretty inconsistently. Like we'll usually go weeks. The fewest it's been is three days between times and that's rare. I'm a very sexual person and he just..... isn't. We didn't find that out until later.

When we were dating, the tension and the spark was there. We fooled around but never actually did the deed because of personal reasons. I was so amped to FINALLY seal the deal. We did premarital counseling and we had a conversation about how often *on average* we think we'd like to have sex. We both agreed that two times a week sounds great. That was low for me, but I get it, life gets busy.

So I have that my previous relationship experience. We had sex every chance we could. Twice a night. It was easy and fun. We experimented and changed it up. In bed we were great, but personality wise didn't mesh.

And so I go into my honeymoon, after 3 years of not having sex, thinking me and my husband are gonna cram as much fun in our week and a half as we can. We had sex three times and at the end I just wanted to go home. I would ask if we were going to have fun tonight and he'd be all for it. And then at night he'd say he was too tired and go to bed. I would lay in my stupid lingerie and cry myself to sleep.

To this day we have done almost nothing but missionary despite me asking. Oral is not mutual. In fact he never has. He finishes in 5 minutes but at least he cares enough to help me finish? Like he's a really amazing guy, but it's like he only has sex with me when he's desperate. So most nights when he falls asleep, I get my vibrator out because *I* am that desperate.

We've had several conversations about it, like it makes me sad, we should do this more often, well then let's schedule it, blah. And it doesn't work. He was embarrassed that his friend got us a book about sex positions. Embarrassed! Like we're in middle school!

I'm at the point where I am fantasizing about coworkers. I'm fantasizing about my high school boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I want to scream, but I'm afraid he'll just tell me it's me who needs to change. Am I the one who needs to change??

I keep feeling like if I was prettier or skinnier then he'd want me more 😭 do I have the right to be pissed off and feel like I was mislead? I know this seems pretty and shallow, I don't know how this is sustainable for me anymore. I haven't told anyone anything for three years and just sucked it up. He does so much, how can I not forgive him this?

Ultimately I want to talk to him but I don't know how anymore.