Exhausted and depressed

I'm feeling so deflated.

10-13 days late for my period, bfn every day. No sign of af showing.

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Background story,

I have a 4 year old son, he's a happy little boy, undergoing some health issues over the past year and at the moment has a colostomy/stoma fitted. He's coping really well and I'm so proud of him. Me and my husband are exhausted, making sure my sons health is good and the stoma too.

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On my sons 2nd birthday I Had my first miscarriage at 7 weeks. That was 2018.

We were heart broken but had to continue on.

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We got married April 2019 and thought it would be our time again for our 2nd baby.

December 5th I got a positive test. We were so happy but very scared and cautious. Got passed the 12 week mark, safe right? Absolutely wrong.

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Went for a private gender scan, baby was okay but wasn't moving much, they put it down to being sleep time. But I had a feeling. We went back a week later at just over 17 weeks. The words still cut me everytime "your baby has no heartbeat" 💔

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March 18th 2020, after being induced and in labour for 12 hours, I gave birth to my 2nd son, Grayson. 0.75grams 💙 he was beautiful.

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But why us, why did this happen. 6 weeks we waited for results. That the doctor said "one of those things, nothing to suggest an issue" 💔 my baby should be here. He was due in august.

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Now I'm stuck in limbo. Ttc again. Each month hoping for a positive but being absolutely frightened at the same time. Now this cycle has been the strangest. I'm crazy late, only ever have been when pregnant. But all the tests are negative. Now we cannot ttc, but we still aren't pregnant. My heart is aching.