Toxic behaviors🤦🏻‍♀️

Sorry long post but worth the read

I have always found myself in toxic or abusive relationships. I’ve always dated guys with anger issues, jealousy issues, past 2 exes have cheated on me, and I took them both back a second time because I wanted them to care and believed things would change. Lots of verbal abuse and manipulation.

My last ex was extremely close to being physically abusive, he started throwing things at me and punching walls close to my face. I had to deal with him on drugs and his addiction rubbed off onto me and I was tied up into drugs. I am a very quiet and passive person, who has had a bunch of trauma throughout my life affecting my mental health. (Diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression, extreme ocd and also ptsd)

Just on my own it’s hard for me to function on a daily basis at times, so trying to deal with toxic behavior was very difficult for me and I succumbed to this toxic behavior myself and turned into someone I never wanted to. My anger, jealousy, trust issues intensified. I just didn’t care how I acted or what I said out of how frustrated I was with wanting things to work out, rather than just leaving that negativity in my life.

We mutually broke up, it had gotten to the point he was always high, and I was terrified of just sitting next to him and always had my phone recording the room or sound in case he did or threatened me and no one would believe me. I tried killing myself 3 times while I was with him.

After we broke up I was heavily into using cocaine and heroin. I was sleeping around almost every night with someone new. I drank excessively EVERY NIGHT for two and a half months. Just completely sabotaging my life, hoping I’d overdose. Meeting with whoever and wherever off of tinder at bars, houses. I didn’t care where, I didn’t care if they used me or hurt me mentally or physically. I met this one guy at a bar who I had swiped on tinder and literally fell in love at first sight over his profile but I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere so i didn’t care to get all dolled up or act like I had anything going for me, strictly that I just wanted to have fun and that I probably wouldn’t see him ever again. But I had a great time with him.

I ended up going to his house for the second date, thought okay whatever he just wants to fuck, seems like the type. So I kept doing drugs and fucking other people. Came back to his house again completely drunk and high off of my mind. Was hanging out with a guy like an hour before he picked me up. He knew how fucked up I was as soon as I got in the car and still drove me 40 minutes to his house. I cried in the car the whole way, he talked to me about my addiction and life choices. I found out he was an addict of over 10 years, and I felt so disrespectful for bringing that around him. I thought wow he’s never going to talk to me again, and it hurt to think that. He made me feel like there was so much more out there.

He asked me to come over a couple days later and stay for days at a time. I started detoxing, and it was such a horrible thing to go through. Like imagine puking and shitting, and feeling like absolute shit around some hot guy that’s got his shit together and wants to treat you like a queen and fuck you like a slut. EMBARASSINGGGGGGG. He didn’t care at all. He wanted the best for me.

Quarantine started in early/middle March and my job stopped (I was a nail tech). He wanted me to stay with him because we had nothing better to do. I did for like 3 weeks and was going to go to ohio to see my mom. I had a feeling once I left we’d stop talking, and that I was just some fixer upper for him, and that he only cared because it’s the right thing to do. Right before I left he told me that he knows he might be coming off too strong but he needed me to know how much he wanted to be with me and if he didn’t say something he might lose me. He wanted me to move in with him too. (I lived in a bad part of town and most of my roommates did coke or heroin, and my landlord was being an ass about rent with COVID shutting down jobs. (We talked for less than two months before him asking me to move in)

I made it clear that I didn’t want a boyfriend because of how hurt I was, and that I needed to love myself before anyone else. That I was so scared of being hurt again. He knew I wasn’t nearly ready to be in a relationship but he kept reminding me of how much he adored me. I said yes. Started dating before I left for my moms. I don’t have a car so she drove 10 hours to get me(I rarely see her and she missed me). I stayed for 3 weeks and he willingly drove out to pick me up. He stayed a week at my mom and husbands house, helped them mow the lawn (huge ass yard, she lived by cornfields and horse pens). He was helpful and interactive with getting to know my family.

We drive back and he gave me a week to decide if I wanted to move in with him and try to be together. If I stayed where I was we’d drift apart because of me living by bars, the drugs, the people. He wanted me away from all of that, so I took a HUGE risk of being with him in a new state, not knowing anyone, having NO money. He took care of me emotionally and physically. We always had a good time together.

The relationship started setting in. I started showing my “crazy side” I would get jealous, have trust issues, my depression started showing. I still didn’t have a job because of everything being shut down. I felt bad that he paid for everything, groceries, bills, everything and more I needed, or things I didn’t need. I felt like I was mooching and made all my feelings and doubts known. We’d argue here and there. He travels for work so that made it even more hard. We weren’t having sex as much. I felt like it was a mistake.

Countless talks, small arguments (which I am the cause of), LOTS of reassurance and compliments, he is still by my side. He’s lifted me up in ways I didn’t even know was possible. I was able to find a job out here, to start contributing, working on getting my cosmo license in a second state, we’ve been having sex more. ITs been extremely hard trying to have a healthy relationship, I realized a lot of things I need to change. He KNOWS how hurt I am from my past. He is such a loving and patient person to tell me that he will work with me and be with me while I unlearn all of my toxic behaviors, and learn to love myself again. He will never stop telling me that. I love him so much for seeing the smallest bit of light in me when I was at my DARKEST of times. I truly can not wait to grow and prosper with him. This man.. I am NOT letting go of. I am literally the luckiest 😭😭😭💜💜💜