Dear dad. I hope you’re doing well(even though I have a feeling you aren’t). After everything you put me through, I truly have no idea why I still call you dad and not maybe father or by your name. I guess I still want to call you dad because it feels too weird to call you by your given name and too proper to call you father, even though you haven’t really been my father for three years now.

I still think about all the good memories we shared together; especially through my childhood.

Of course when thinking about the good memories, I can’t help but think of the bad ones.

Thinking about all the bad things you put me through even as a child, honestly makes me so angry. There were signs all along but then when I realized what was going on, the abuse just got progressively worse.

It’ll be 1 year on my birthday that I haven’t seen or talked to you. Knowing that it’s been 1 year without have you in my life should be great but it isn’t.

I’m finally not numb to the world and my emotions and am really starting to realize how fucked up I am because you decided to change from a decent father to just a horrible, abusive man that has a front up all around him.

Nobody really knows that you mentally, verbally and emotionally abused your youngest child to the point where she couldn’t even feel true happiness for almost 2 years because her mind had to constantly have this wall up to protect her from a horrible man that just so happened to be her father.

Nobody around you, including your now wife knows that last “adult” conversation we had was all you gaslighting me to the point I that I started having suicidal thoughts again. And I hadn’t had any in almost two years at that point.

I would think about suicide almost every day but then I got to a point where I didn’t and felt happy about life again. And with just one conversation you broke me down to the point that those awful thoughts came back and stayed for not just 1 day, but three.

What’s so frustrating about life right now if even though you aren’t IN my life and putting me through hell; somehow you still are.

My health is even worse now than it I think has ever been including my mental health and it all has to do with the after effects of dealing with all the abuse I went through with or rather the abuse you decided to put me through.

I’m starting to realize how much anger I actually have towards you and one part of me feels it’s wrong to be angry with you, but the other doesn’t. You put me through so much mental anguish that you even went as far to turn my only brother against his baby sister and mother. And he has no idea that everything you say is a complete lie and because of that he doesn’t have a relationship with a lot of his family anymore because he believes everything you say. You took my only big brother away from me and that angers me so much.

There’s so many moments I think about of specifically when you would be yelling at me or trying to manipulate things and I get so angry at myself for just taking everything in, knowing it’s abuse, knowing it’s wrong and knowing everything you say is a lie, but still let it effect me and hate how I never tried to defend myself. Of course I know how you are as a narcissist and your word is the only truth but, I still wish I would have defended myself more and maybe that would have lessen the time I had to spend with you.

You finally got the message that I didn’t want to see you after last March after you tried to have an “adult conversation” with me about how mom emailed you about how you were causing me to have worse anxiety and how you belittle me, and you twisted it all around.

You went months without doing anything but yet I still got so scared and had so much anxiety in my body because I thought you were really going to come pick me up after months had gone by because that’s the kind of shit you pull, that it caused me to have a seizure. And I hadn’t even had a seizure for four years until then that you caused! And when mom called you to tell you what happened, you sounded genuinely concerned about me and that made me sad because I truly don’t know if you were concerned or just playing up a front and acting like you were concerned.

I have so many feelings towards you and they are all so fucking confusing because I love you, but I love the old you. The one that was loving and truly caring and wasn’t an abusive asshole of a man. And I have to keep reminding myself that even though I miss you and your comforting bear hugs, and still love you, you aren’t the same man that helped raise me and I definitely don’t want nor need you back in my life for any reason. And that breaks my heart more because I never imagined this would be how things turned out after you and mom divorced.

You’ll never see this but I hope writing everything out will help me start healing and letting go from the trauma I have that still connects me to you.