How to help grieving husband?

Question

My husbands Nanna is dying in a hospice as we speak. If she makes it through the night I will be surprised as she is asleep the whole time and not eating or drinking. The drs said it will be hours that she has left.
My husband really retreats into his shell in times like this. He shuts down and won’t communicate and internalizes everything. I have asked him what he needs etc and he just keeps saying “you know how I am this is how I process things”. I’m the completely opposite.. I show my emotions, cry, tell him what I’d like him to for me etc so I’m having a hard time reading him. 
If anyone else is like him, can you please give me any pointers on what you would need in a time of crisis? I just want to be there for him but I don’t really know what to do. Thanks everyone!

Answer

I do exactly the same as your husband and I like to be left alone until I am ready to talk about it. The most annoying thing is someone constantly bringing the issue up or wanting to talk about it when I don’t. I’m not saying you’re doing that but that’s how I feel when someone is doing that to me. Just be there for him. He will come to you when he is ready to talk.

Answer

Everyone grieves differently. I tend to grieve more like your husband. I want to be left alone. 
So give him space. Offer a hug when he is near. 
When I lost my sister, my dad and I wanted to be left alone. My mom wanted people around and people were constantly flowing in and out of the house. For me I would step away, go upstairs and lay down.
My husband just followed my lead, sat with my mom too. My husband would also just hold me, let me cry. No talking, there was nothing to say.

Answer

Everyone grieves differently.. there is no right or wrong way to grieve. When my daughter passed away I was numb, I didn’t show tears often, I didn’t want to be around anyone, I wanted to keep to myself and keep my mind busy, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about her death, basically I wanted to be a loner.. and that’s ok, because everyone grieves differently and grief comes in waves. Just tell him you are here to listen and talk when he’s ready, cook him meals so he eats often, and just comfort him from time to time, but also let him have his own space so he can be with his thoughts while trying to recollect himself and his emotions. Good luck 😊

Answer

I am the same as your husband. I handle everything internally. My grandmother just died while holding my hand on September 5th. 
I was the only one not crying, I didn’t cry until I was alone later on. 
Whatever you do, DO NOT try to make him feel like the way he’s handling it is not right or the “normal” way. People like us know we are not typical. We know it, but you need to know that it’s not a bad thing. 
When we retreat, it’s self preservation. 
Just be there. That’s all. That’s all he will need. If he needs you to sit with him in silence as he cries later on, do it. Don’t try to go overboard trying to make him feel better, because NOTHING will make him feel better right now. It’s hard, holding my grandmothers hand and watching her die was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. He just needs you to be there. 
Don’t judge, don’t push. Just be there. 
Tell him that if he needs to talk or cry to you that he can. Don’t leave him alone unless he asks, your presence and patience throughout this is enough.

Answer

Hold his hand, bring him things he needs without asking, take care of any of the practical requirements after she is gone. Things that don’t require him to talk or ask for help. My Grandad died on Christmas Eve and I was devastated. My partner sprung into action - when I needed to go somewhere he drove, all of the usual responsibilities I had were taken care of around the house, he came to collect the death certificate, he carried around tissues, water and snacks for when we were out and just handed them to me without asking, he did little thoughtful things like warming pyjamas on the radiator whilst I took a shower and also bigger things like booking a week off to help clear his house. My best advice would be, every time he says “I need to do this/that” assume it’s something you can do together and respond in a way that lets him know you’ll be there and be helpful. I am not a very good communicator when I am crushed, don’t try to make him talk if he’s not ready. Just hold his hand and make sure he knows you’re on his team

How to help grieving husband?

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