October 2020... when you were due 💔

⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️

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Today I should be able to say that ‘We get to meet you this month’. It’s been impossible to stop my brain from knowing each should have been milestone, or from counting the weeks you should have been in my tummy.

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I will never fully accept that this is how it turned out for us again, and I’m always going to wonder who you would have been.

It’s been an impossible time, but we were so so lucky that through all of the chaos and the madness of 2020, things played out so that my husband could be home with me when I was inconsolable, to hold me up when I couldn’t breath, and to hide away with me without excuses.

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Sharing our pregnancy Loss is not something that comes easily, but when we learned that we were pregnant for a second time I never expected it to end the same way as the first. Your science teacher doesn’t tell you that 1in4 pregnancies end in loss, or that 1in8 couples struggle with fertility. I spent the last 15 years naively believing that unprotected sex = lots of babies.

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I haven’t documented the lows in our story for attention, sympathy or pity; but because I really believe we should change the taboo around pregnancy Loss and Infertility. I don’t think that women and grieving families should have to ponder ‘what is wrong with me?’, to suffer in silence, or to feel like they’ve done something to deserve so much pain. Why should such a suffocating and crushing experience be something that you endure alone?

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I’m sorry that we never got to meet you, but know that you’ll always be wanted and adored, and that the short time I got to be your mum will always hold it’s own place in my heart ♥️

As always I’m thankful for my amazing husband, thank you for having enough fight for the two of us 🖤 in