Hey everyone,

I hope there is someone who can help me with this because I feel so stuck. I'm a 20 y/o female. I had my first real relationship when I was 16 and then another when I was about 17.. these relationships kinda overlapped because the men were both in and out of my life during this time (men because they were both older than me). The first ex was really a sociopath. apathetic to human emotions, put me down all the time, made me feel like i was ugly and fat and that he could date prettier women, would flirt with other girls out of spite, and would make feel like i was not sexually adequate because I couldn't handle being hit during sex. The other ex was never really my bf but he acted like he was. he wanted all the sex and romantic traits of a relationship but never actually made me his girlfriend. no one knew of us, he was really isolated and depressed so he wouldn't really trust people or talk about friends. he never really told me anything about his friends and he would keep his work schedule in the dark and what days he went to school and even the college he went to for a while. it wasn't until i told him that i wanted to know those things that he opened up only a bit. he made me feel bad if i spoke about friends. he made me feel like if had friends then i didn't actually need him the way he needed me. he made me feel like my love was never enough. he constantly judged me and then made me feel like i was the judgmental one. he was yell at me and make me feel really small. he hid a lot about himself and was very reserved he only let me in emotionally if he wanted to. Both relationships went on for a while because they would leave my life and make their way back. it went on till i was 19. one of them would ghost me without an explanation just saying he was depressed and needed time. the other would angrily leave me and then come back as he pleased while talking to other girls. they swore they didn't cheat on me and i guess maybe they didn't but they did leave to be with others and then come back to me.

all this to say that i have been through subtle and overt emotional and verbal abuse. I've read articles about abusive symptoms or signs and i feel like i don't necessarily relate to them because the men i dated were very subtle about the abuse sometimes and truthfully i cant really remember those years of my life very much. is it possible that they have made me so stressed, anxious, and depressed enough to cause memory loss?

i am currently in the healthiest relationship i have ever had but i get so scared. i feel like i constantly need reassurance that he loves me and wont leave too. i bursted in tears yesterday because we had our first real argument and i feel so scared and uncomfortable that he might be judging me. I'm so scared to make mistakes and have him see my flaws. is this all a result of my past abuse? or am i just being sensitive and blowing things out of proportion?

i would really appreciate the support and perspective from people who have been through similar things or mental health savvy people. i know i should seek a therapist but money.. lol