I know a lot of you told me not to reach out to him and move on but I'm I needed to. My fiance and I had tried for a baby but I never had a successful pregnancies. Just miscarriages. He cheated on me and ended up with the girl and I recently found out they are expecting a baby girl. I reached out to him to tell him how I felt through messenger. We had a civil conversation and honestly.... After talking to him, I realized I wasn't as perfect of a gf as I remember. I'm not here saying I'm excusing his cheating, but I'm realizing, I was kind of the reason he was so fucked up and I didn't even notice. He told me he never wanted to hurt me and that he was so lost and so broken. He admitted he got addicted to drugs and was on them through almost our entire relationship. Now after listening to his side. This part made me realize I was not that great. I was kind of the one who got him addicted to drugs. I didn't know he was addicted though. When we first got together I liked to party and do drugs. I dont have an addictive personality. I could pop pills one night and not do it again for a year. It was all fun for me. He told me he had depression and being young and dumb I thought parting would help him. He didn't want to pop pills but had convinced him he was gonna feel better. I kept saying come on. Try it. It will make you feel better. He gave him. In my mind we were just having a good time. But in reality, I was creating an addict. He went about years addicted to pills and I never knew.

I asked why he cheated. He said he didn't really know. He was depressed and high half the time and he didn't feel that loved. He said I made him feel bad about himself because I'm a perfectionist and nothing he did was perfect and I pointed it out. He did say "In the end I should have just talked to you about it. I shouldn't have cheated ". He tells me that if I thinl his life was so great after we broke up I'm wrong. He was in and out of rehab and his relationship with his girlfriend (the girl he cheated with and that is now pregnant) was very rocky because he struggled so much between depression, drug addiction, and self hate. He said it was actually kinda recent that he decided he needed more help. So he got a therapist and got on medication. He told me he had a suicide attempt and they pulled a 51 50 on him so he stayed in a mental hospital for a few months and he needed it.

He told me he never wanted to hurt me, he just wanted to stop hurting. And it took him over a decade to finally be okay, and he wants me to be okay. I told him I want him to be okay too. He said he wishes me the best and hopes I get everything I want in life. I wished him the same. There was obviously so much more that was talked about but it was too personal, so this is the gist of it. I realize I may have not been a great person and I had a lot these years to work on myself. I do feel we both got the closer we needed.