It’s hard enough..

It is hard enough having to deal with the loss of our baby. But so much more drama followed. There was drama before the loss and after. My doctor says stress can’t cause miscarriage but I think all of the physical and emotional toll our relationship put on me had a major impact on our baby and the fact that it stopped growing. I haven’t even been able to properly grieve because I didn’t have the support I needed from you. The only person I truly wanted and needed by my side.

Yesterday I mentioned a $300 bill I have from the D/C and you say “I mean I’ll go half but you act like I caused you to have to go to the hospital”. I’m sorry. Did I miss the part where we decided to start a family and made a baby together? Which was then followed by drama from your ex finding out that “your” apartment is OUR apartment that we live in together. Then I went through so much hurt from everything that was exposed. I tried talking to you and you said “you’re pissing me off and at this point idk if I want either of you”. That left me at a loss of words and I was sooooo confused. Like was this really happening and did those words really just come out of your mouth. Then that same night I had terrible cramps, dizziness, sweating, diarrhea, and was blacking out in my vision. I was afraid to say anything to you because I was afraid that you wouldn’t care and I couldnt handle any more that night. I just pretended everything was okay but deep down I knew something wasn’t right. I could feel it. I was so nervous when I went to that next appointment because I knew. Im sure that’s the night I lost our baby because when I went for my next ultrasound they told me that there was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing at that exact week that this all happened. Sure I might just be grasping at straws to try to understand why I lost my baby but it’s a major coincidence. My third ultrasound was my last. I still see our baby curled up in a little ball not moving. No heart beat. It hurts.

When I was in pain and healing you were in her bed. Just drop me off home after my D/C and disappear for two days. You’re quite the man. Told me you had to go handle something and you’d be back. Said you’d take care of me. Make me a big breakfast. Be by my side. But you weren’t. In the morning I woke up and my arms and legs were numb. I was scared. I called you. No answer. I text you. No answer. When you finally answered you said that wasn’t supposed to happen and you were on your way. You didnt make it back until the next day in the afternoon. Jumped right in the shower because you knew what you had been doing. Claimed you were with your boy and only went to see her once to talk about everything she was doing but I know that’s not true. I wanted to believe that you wouldn’t do the things that you were doing. So every lie you continued to tell I knew deep down was a lie but I wanted so badly to believe you wouldn’t do this to me. But the pain never stopped. It seemed like it was going to be okay but the harassment from this chick continued. You continued talking to her. Screenshots and harassment from this female. All I did was love you and move in with you to start the rest of our lives together. Then what you were doing in the dark began to come out.

I think the final straw is that her and another female both sent a bunch of screenshots, videos, pictures. You. You in her. You telling each how you loved them. I’m disgusted with you and myself for believing what I knew was a lie all because I didn’t want to believe you would hurt me the same way my last did after I explained it to you and asked to not to do the same to me. To leave if that was ever even a thought. But you had to have your cake and eat it too.

Now I’m left still in pain from the loss of our baby and in pain from the loss of the lies we created.

Sorry ladies. Just some thoughts for him...