How do you not compare?

Question

My friends and I all had kids around the same time, one of them was born only a few days before my son and is already speaking in sentences, stringing together 4+ words, while my son can say maybe 10 words total. One of the other babies in the group sleeps 13 hrs at night and takes 3 hr naps, but my son has never been a great sleeper. I’m happy for my friends, and I love my son, but I can’t help but compare and get jealous sometimes. I know every kid is different, but I think what bothers me is that it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong as a mother. It’s getting to the point that seeing videos of their kids makes me sad and I ask myself “why can’t my kid be the gifted one? Why can’t he be the great sleeper?” I’m not even sharing anything with the group these days because I feel embarrassed that my son is so behind :(
Has anyone ever dealt with this? How do you keep yourself from comparing?
Edit: thank you for your responses and making me feel like I’m normal! I don’t use social media (besides this app) because I know it negatively affects my mental health, but I am on a group chat with this particular circle of friends and that’s where we all share pics/videos of the kids, so I can’t avoid seeing all of that. My doctor isn’t worried, but I’ve been reading articles online about how early talkers are usually gifted and that really bummed me out for some reason. I feel better now though, THANK YOU ❤️

Answer

I find it tough at times too...I have a friend with a son one month older and our boys are very different. In the beginning it was hard for her because her son wasn’t gaining/growing - he’s still small. He didn’t crawl for a while and mine was always big and active. But now her son is speaking so well and mine is saying a lot of words but not like hers. Sometimes I feel like she is trying to brag to me about all he is saying/doing to make up for his size...her son has also always slept better than mine (she did do sleep training and I am still nursing mine to sleep lol). 
They are also so different even playing - hers loves to be on the swing for the whole time and mine is running/climbing/on to the next thing the whole time. 
I also try to remember that all this at early ages really doesn’t matter that much - all of it. I was very intelligent my whole life but I don’t work now, have little confidence in myself and my abilities while my husband was learning disabled and has an incredible job and supports our family. 
One of my best friends dad’s has a great saying “you never want to peak too early” - your son just hasn’t peaked yet...so what if he doesn’t talk so much or sleep? He’s gonna do something really great at some point- just you see

Answer

I went on mat leave the same month as a few coworkers. One of them I see daily as she drops her son off at daycare. Her son speaks tons, has great eye contact and has been blowing kisses for months. The perfect toddler! I was worried from day 1 that something was off about mine. But I realized some kids just need more time. Mine is finally starting to say things that her kid has been saying for like 5 months (lol) and yesterday he blew his first kisses! Give it time, that’s my only advice 🙂 all kids develop at different rates and won’t necessarily make them smarter down the road. My son for example, lacks in the social department but is an amazing stacker and figuring out how things work. I think he might be more like his dad !

Answer

All kids advance at their own pace, your kid is not behind. My son sounds like he’s about where yours is, and I’m not concerned at all. He’s happy, healthy and his doctor is pleased with his progress. It’s way too early to determine if your child will be gifted. Please don’t let this eat at you, focus on the milestones he’s hitting, and ignore social media. Everyone exaggerates and only shares the good.

Answer

Its really hard not to compare. My 4 year old is autistic and it sucks seeing other kids her age hold a conversation and she doesn’t. But she can say the alphabet, count to 20, knows all her colors and shapes and list off the planets in order. And I know others her same age who don’t know any of that yet. 
Honestly you’ll never not compare it’s part of human nature. Just remember every one grows at their own rate and learns in their own time

Answer

I just want you to embrace the fact that " gifted" does not necessarily mean what we imagine it means in our minds. It doesn't predict our child's future. The champion record holder, Ballroom dancer, Bob Powers once told me that he was not as talented as the dancers around him. But he knew that he was going to try ten times as hard as all of them. He became a world champion. I know that you know this intellectually, but it's hard to embrace emotionally as well. But it's the truth. Have you ever watch the movie Gattaca? If not you need to watch it. If you have seen it think back on the truth of its message. ( seriously if you haven't seen it do. One of my favorite movies about and advantaged young man with everything set up perfect for him vs 1 with lower IQ, Health, Etc.)
My brother didn't say his first word until he was three. He now works for Navy intelligence. When he first joined the Navy and took the test to see where he would be best suited, the recruiter told him his scores were so high he could basically choose any option he wanted.
My brother-in-law didn't say his first word until he was 4! He is now the dean of a prestigious high school.
I was talking like a little adult at the age of two. But I didn't go to a prestigious school, I am not the CEO of a company, I do artsy jobs like dancing. Don't make tons of money because... starving artist. Despite years of trying in Middle School, high school, and college, I could never learn a foreign language. ( not that my life isn't wonderful and blessed, but on paper I could make it sound as if I was not a parent's dream)
My point is, although it's almost impossible for us mother's not to worry, you have to find some comfort in the fact that there is just no way of predicting our child's future based on what they are doing now.

Answer

I agree with everyone else, these early achievements are not an indicator of who they’ll end up to be. My son is not as physically coordinated as I see other toddlers his age, he’s been walking since 12 months but is a bit clumsy and reflexes are a bit slower (I’m the same way).
I don’t think I was an early talker, and 1-3rd grade I was behind socially and academically, but in 4th grade I became straight A student, and it stayed that way my whole school career. One day things just clicked, I think that’s how most of our kids are, they develop at their own pace.

Answer

If this makes you feel better, My March baby isn’t saying any word yet, none at all that I understand. I can’t say that I don’t get worried but I know he will talk whenever he is ready. In other milestones, he is above average, and his doctor asked us not to worry.

Answer

Just “quit” the chat for a while. Sometimes it’s overwhelming and when I got sick of my friends kids photos, I just said that I’m busy now. So I’m reading when I can. 
Concentrate on positive things of your child. Like how cute he smiles, how nice he does some particular sounds, soon it will be all gone and they love to talking and that it. Same with sleep and same with eating. In 5 years tome, no one will remember. So, I’m sure that you have strong sides of your son that you are proud of. 
My daughter is very loving and I just love it that she can hug me or I can hug her. My first son was very independent and no huge or cuddles that much but I loved how independent he was at his age:)))

Answer

I also really struggle not to compare. My son is happy, healthy, athletic, coordinated, seems smart enough, but he certainly isn’t speaking in sentences, doesn’t sleep, throws raging tantrums, is not mellow AT ALL, and is incredibly bossy. The mom of a little girl born a month after him is going to start potty training soon. Hell no for us. I try really hard to just enjoy him as he is. I don’t want to put my issues on him. He is great as he is and I always want him to feel that way. 
I also remind myself of my cousin’s kid. There was a debate to send him to school early or send him when he was about to turn six. He was “so smart” and was going to be bored in kindergarten at six was the concern. They ended up sending him at six because his behavior was less than desirable. I remember him being very verbal (not sure how much he was talking and when) as a little kid. He is currently failing 7th grade math and English. So there you go 🤷‍♀️.

Answer

I’m so sorry you are feeling down. It’s so hard not to compare, I have yet to see a mom who doesn’t worry if their kid is behind. 
I also worry about speech, and before that I worried about walking, and before that crawling, and before that rolling... when I see my kid with other kids I have the hardest time not comparing or worrying if something is wrong. I follow this woman on Instagram and her 19 month old peels vegetables and helps her cut and cook them; meanwhile my kid is still trying to learn how to feed herself with a spoon. 
If your doctor is not concerned, all you can do is keep reminding yourself that all kids are different and that in a few years we will never know who hit their milestones first. Maybe your friends also look at your son and wonder if their kids are behind for other reasons, you will never know. 
Hang in there momma, you’re doing great ❤️

How do you not compare?

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