Not allowed to parent my stepson? Should I stay?

Question

Me (22) and my boyfriend (29) live together with our newborn son who just turned 5 weeks and his 8 year old son (my stepson) from a previous relationship of his. Now my stepson didn't always live with us he lived majority of his life with his mother however we decided that he was in a bad situation over there and brought him to live with us
. 
It was me who brought up the worry that his mother might be in a bad situation and being neglectful towards her children. I convinced my boyfriend to speak to her and convince her to let him move with us etc. I'm not mentioning this to say "oh look at all i did" but more to know the background and to know that I love this boy and genuinely care for him. I did all his custody papers, told my boyfriend what to say to my stepsons mother to convince her. Took out a $700 credit card and maxed it out in flight tickets, suitcase fees, food and transportation for my stepson and boyfriend so my boyfriend could get his son and bring him over to live with us. Also did all the looking for his bedroom to be ready my boyfriend paid then but I went to all the stores made it nicely decorated with minecraft a car bed etc. I then prepared all his paperwork for school, found school supplies for him I added him onto my insurance, set up and took him to establish doctor and dentist visits. Pretty much the whole moving process... I did.
Now everything was going great he was excited to meet his little brother still is excited about having him around all good. But recently in the past 3 weeks my boyfriend has not let me correct anything my stepson does... I will tell my stepson to do or not do something and my boyfriend will tell me to either leave him alone or tell him to do the opposite or that he doesn't have to do it. Its becoming too much. I come from a respect the adults family and they know best and don't like the idea of letting a kid govern himself and lose respect for me. Today we had a huge fight because I told him to ask for something when he wants it dont whine about it, ask. And my boyfriend told me to leave him alone and why am I messing with him. At the same time my stepson asked for eggs. Then he tried to force me to give my breakfast to my stepson knowing I just made it to eat quickly so I can feed the baby who only drinks breastmilk. They had both already eaten and he couldve very easy made him eggs.. i told him no then he wanted to yell about me not ever feeding his son. Which is a complete lie. I just packed the house with snacks and juices for him yesterday.
Anyways I'm exhausted since this back and forth has been going on for 3 weeks of on and off fighting while I'm also dealing with a newborn that he complains about holding for 5 min too long. At this point I'm feeling like he's picking favorites and I'm frustrated that I'm the bad one for trying to raise a good boy not a whiney babied kid like he's trying to do. He is babied by everyone and that does more harm than good I don't yell or fight I just correct his behavior. Another example he doesn't/never learned how to brush his teeth correctly so I taught him well my boyfriend heard me tell him to come brush his teeth with me to learn and stopped him. Said he already brushed his teeth and I said yes but he does it wrong so he can learn with me and my boyfriend said no to leave him alone... its exhausting. At this point whats the point of being in a relationship with someone and living together when I can't even parent a kid in the house and have to see him get ruined my neglectful parenting. A parent loves and corrects and teaches they don't just buy toys and send to play thats not loving a kid in my eyes. Any thoughts please

Answer

I see the comments in how it’s not your place. However if you live together, you’re parenting your own son, and now you have his son living with you all I think there is a place to be had in this conversation.
First, I understand it’s extremely frustrating and exhausting and I’m sorry you’re going through this while newly postpartum. Second I would never make a big decision while newly postpartum unless you were unsafe. Did you guys previously have good communication? Maybe there is an adjustment to be had, or a Convo  to have with him separately. Personally I agree that respect is essential—starting with the parent figures (whoever they are to the child) never going against one another in front of the child, it creates extra stress for the child and also shows them that you all are able to be manipulated against each other. I personally prefer the “we’re on the same team” mindset, sometimes players need to duke it out but usually not in the game lol. I would maybe sit down and ask him respectfully what he would like your place to be in guiding his son into being a young man. Explain that you care a lot and want to be able to guide him but not be stepping in each others toes the entire way. Hopefully you guys can get somewhere I’d just try to keep from being defensive, give credit to bring his defenses down, and be open but loving. ♥️

Answer

Technically he’s not your stepson because you’re not married to his dad and as a his girlfriend it’s not your place to parent his child that’s his and his ex’s responsibility.

Answer

He's a bonus child and you're trying to do the right thing. Doesn't matter if you're married or not. This sounds maddening. I'd talk to your man about how you feel and your opinion about what's happening. Use I feel statements. I feel like you're teaching him to disrespect me. I feel like you're favorites. Explain to him that this isn't healthy for your relationship as a couple. Or healthy for the children to be in this environment. Ask him if he wants to have another baby mama ex. 
It might be that he's just adjusting to having him full time. Or he doesn't realize what he's doing.

Answer

If you are living together as a family I believe there is a talk that needs to be had about parenting ALL kids. For me that oldest child is going to be an influence on your younger child and in my eyes the two should be treated the same. I have a 6year old step son who is the oldest and my two girls mimic him in almost everything. He gets treated exactly the same as our 2 girls. That child will grow up not respecting you if your boyfriend constantly disregards your wishes in front of the child. I would not be okay with that if you guys are planning on getting married and a life together as a family. Just my thoughts 😊

Answer

It seems like you have a good relationship with the child and the problem is your partner right now. It could be he feels threatened that you know so much more and feels like your kinda take his place away, which yes I know sounds stupid, but guy react differently. You should talk with your partner and see what the problem is?

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It’s not really your place. You are just his dads girlfriend.

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Sounds like you guys have very different parenting styles. Maybe have a calm conversation (not in the middle of when this is happening) about expectations and roles in his life. I’m sure you guys have the same end goal-just different ideas of how to best get there. Parenting is SO hard. Parenting when there’s a bonus parent and kiddo is even harder. Just takes a lot of communication. Hang in there. ❤️

Answer

The main part of it is that he is exposing the child to the fact that he doesn’t agree with how you are doing parenting him. Which isn’t good because the child can use that to his advantage. He has custody and the child lives away from his mother, you are stepping in. This is a great learning opportunity for you guys since you have a new child together as well. 
If he doesn’t agree at the least for the moment, try to have him voice his disagreements while you guys are alone so that the child doesn’t see this. He might not be used to having a hands-on parent being as the mother was neglectful to the child before. Instead of correcting the child’s behavior, maybe try your best to just positively reinforce when he does do something correct. And find as many opportunities as you can to create teaching moments. Such as setting a specific schedule for teeth brushing and going in with him instead of having him brush his teeth again after he already did it and making charts for behavior and expectations, family meetings where everyone is involved in the decision making. I know it’s hard but blending a family takes time and work. I’m sure you can handle this as you are already starting on the right foot❤️❤️

Answer

Have you & your boyfriend sat down when things are calm and had a talk about expectations? What are his expectations of you & your roll in his sons life? What are your expectations? Can you find something that works for everyone? Maybe establish “house rules” that you can both enforce and bigger issue or things outside of that you can defer to him on? Even a babysitter would be expected/allowed to gently correct behavior (not saying that’s your roll, just saying if he’s in your care you need SOME authority). You love this child and want what’s best for him & while you aren’t his mother & don’t need to fill that roll, it’s not reasonable to have a child living in your house (especially when you have another kid) that you don’t have any authority over.

Answer

Knowing how hard it is adapting with a new baby, perhaps he’s over compensating with his first because he knows it’s a transition time for your step son? Asking you to give up food is ridiculous but at the stepson’s age, this has to be a major adjustment for him. I would back off a little, take care of your newborn, and cut the stepson some slack until you are all back in a normal groove again.

Not allowed to parent my stepson? Should I stay?

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