The War Between Mind & Body
So I've had 3 miscarriages. The first was horrible & devastating, lost at 4 months. After the first, I had awful fears the next times I was pregnant, and the fears came true, losses in the first trimester.
And here's the thing..... It's become no thing. Not nothing, no thing. My head knows that I've had 3 tiny (some bigger than others) little beings of varying sizes inside of me. But after my third, again waiting for my levels to go down so I can get my tests done and get pregnant again, I feel like my body is taking too damn long to give me my period...... And then my head remembers: there was a tiny little heartbeat that I heard and helped grow (and obviously it wasn't enough) OF COURSE my body is taking a while.
It's like my body is giving my heart a shake, saying "stop being impatient! You had a little life in there that you can't replace with another!"
No matter how many times I lose a baby, my body never lets me forget that it's a big deal, even though my own calloused heart tries to rush by it
all. How sad that miscarriages are
just part of my life now. Even sadder that when I talk about them, it sounds like they're not a thing at all, just my everyday wear and tear. But my body is glaring at me, reminding me of the truth- it's not only not no thing, but a big huge giant thing. I spent a lot of time being angry at my body, but at this moment, my body knows more than me.
Somehow, I'm comforted.