Pregnant termination tomorrow

Hi ladies,

I’m just gonna jump right in. Tomorrow morning, I’m going in for the first part of my pregnancy termination. I am 23 weeks pregnant and I am having to end my pregnancy because my baby won’t survive once she is born.

At my anatomy scan, which was at exactly 20 weeks, they told me that my daughter doesn’t have kidneys, a bladder, and she has no amniotic fluid, meaning her lungs aren’t developing properly and she will need to go n dialysis and a ventilator as soon as she is born, and will have to wait for several years before they can find her a transplant.

I understand there are treatments and ways to help her live, but they’re still experimental and her dad and I know we will not be able to pay for and raise a baby with so many medical issues at this stage of our lives. So we’ve decided that termination would be best, because I cannot watch her be born only to hold her for a few minutes before she suffocates in my arms. Or give birth to her only to have her immediately taken away because she can’t breathe and she’s in pain and will be sick and in pain for the first part of her life, and still risk not making it. I just can’t do it.

I understand how some would see this as selfish of me, and I’m not looking for that. I don’t wanna hear it. My heart is crushed. I have never felt more angry and confused and sad in my life. I can’t even put into words how I feel. It’s unfair. I did everything the doctors told me to do when I first found out, I took it easy at work, I ate better, exercised, I went on bed rest when they thought something was wrong with her months ago and they cleared me, only for this to be our situation. I’m fucking pissed.

I don’t want sympathy or for someone to say how sorry they are for me, because it’s not going to make my baby healthy, it’s not going to make me feel better. I wanted my baby, and I love her more than life itself and it feels like my fucking heart is being ripped from my chest, as if god decided that I don’t deserve her and for what? I’m being punished for what? I don’t understand, I can’t even sit and cry anymore because at this point I’m just angry and I want to scream and yell and freak the fuck out and ask why. But I’m getting no answers. No one can explain to me why my baby, of all babies who are unloved and unwanted, who’s parents are awful people who don’t care what happens to them, has to be sick and has to die.

So I’m going tomorrow for the first half of my termination.