I know I can't be alone. Do you get jealous of your friends and family when they announce a pregnancy? I know I do. It's not that they don't deserve I just wish I was announcing it.

Then the other side creeps in my mind, how does God allow "undeserving" people (teens, drug addicts, people that truly don't want anymore kids or at all) get pregnant. I'm here waving my arms screaming pick me, pick me. Month after month. I'm in a loving relationship, have family support, a house, and a great job. I get so mad b/c I waited until it was smart and responsible to bring a child into the world. And now I have everything but the one thing I want most. Maybe I want a child too much, is that a thing?

I post congratulations, even if I know I they weren't trying it even planning for a baby. I try to move on. Then I see the ultrasound pictures, they are perfect, 10 toes, 10 fingers, healthy. I'm not jealous that they have a healthy baby. I'm just frustrated it isn't me posting!

I watch as the pregnancy progresses and they deliver and welcome their new addition, yes it's into a loving home and family and they are working extra to be able to afford the new expenses. But I'm lonely b/c it's not my home. My world.

I like their pictures of baby growing and wearing holiday outfits. Videos of baby gibbering away and laughing. Baby is truly loved and the parents are "blessed". But I'm jealous, when is it my turn!?

I feel upset when I let my job become stressful and I lose my focus and forget to test. I try to have sex every few days b/c I don't know if/when I will ovulate. I worry about my fertility, my partner's fertility. I work hard so when the time comes we are ready to welcome our bundle. I work hard to make a "perfect" life. I become stressed, I don't even realize I'm 7 days late. But I don't test or get excited b/c it's not uncommon for my cycle to last 38, even 46 days. Probably just stress. But when I realize I'm late I can't help but have a tinge of excitement. Is it my turn? Is it my month? Did we get it right? But still I wait. I sit back quietly watching everyone else post happy pictures. I'm even here for them to vent that it was so unplanned, what are they going to do?

When is it my turn?