hi,

i just moved to utah from the middle east, and i know i have severe trauma because the place i come from, Palestine, is a political climate that no child should ever live under. i saw my friend die at the age of 14, friends went to prison, being scared of death from a young age is disturbing.

i’ve always had anxiety, one of the stories from my life that could explain how my anxiety is, i haven’t gone out with anyone in two weeks. meeting new people makes me feel queezy. another story is that one time we were driving my mom to the jordanian borders and i wasn’t wearing my seatbelt an israeli officer came up to my window and saw that i wasn’t wearing my seatbelt. it was completely my fault. but seeing the rifle he was holding, that he could hold it up and shoot me right then and there made me literally pale. i was 18. he asked me what my name was and i couldn’t utter a word, my dad started responding for me because he saw the anxiety i felt. i’m not saying he did anything wrong, the sight of a killing machine right in front of me made me want to throw up.

i’m not trying to be political at all, but these events in my life have scarred me.

i went to seek help because i knew that in order to grow and feel good about myself i needed medical attention.

i was diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety, and ADHD.

it’s hard to get out of bed, it’s hard to meet people it’s hard to live my life even though i was able to accomplish so much in high school to get here i still feel helpless and lost.

i love myself, when i look in the mirror i love myself and i’m so proud of the things i was able to overcome in my life because the stories i mentioned above are just a few clips of my life.

i’m grateful for where i am, but sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed. when i wake up in the morning my first thought isn’t “what am i going to do today” it’s “if only i could sleep for forever”

i don’t talk to anyone about this. not because my friends or family would judge me, but i feel like if i do unveil all of this on them they’re going to start treating me differently and i don’t want to talk to them about it because my parents are strict arab parents that only started to believe in therapy when my brother started to lose weight from his eating disorder.

my mom still thinks that anxiety is all in my head, that i can cure it if i look at my problems differently. i wish it was that easy.

and my dad doesn’t really understand these things. when my sister was diagnosed with depression he blamed himself and i don’t want him to do that with me. he raised us with the limited resources he had, and i didn’t have the greatest childhood, but i got more chances in life than i could say for anyone i know. he is the best person i know and i can’t tolerate him blaming himself for something that is going on in my head.

anyways, i don’t know what to do. it’s hard to get out of bed. i forget to eat sometimes not just because of the ADHD medication but i just forget, i forget to shower too sometimes. sometimes counseling doesn’t feel right, i’m letting someone into my life and i don’t even know them.

what are your thoughts about this? i’m curious to know!