Husband Relapsed Help

TW: Addiction

My husband and I just had our first child, a daughter, three months ago. Things have been so great and wonderful. Of course the lack of sleep can get to you. But it’s so worth it! Well I have ADHD and some other issues like insomnia so I take Adderall and a benzo. My husband has battled addiction in the past and his drugs of choice are opioids, Adderall, and Xanax. Well he didn’t know I was taking them and I had them hidden in places he should never go. A few weeks ago I noticed half my Adderall missing. He denied it. This past weekend it was very obvious he was under the influence. Glassy, droopy eyes. Slurred. Confused speech. Going through everyone’s stuff such as bathroom drawers, dressers, purses, cabinets (he does this when he is stoned). Plus my Adderall and lorazepam kept disappearing, and I knew he was taking them. I filled my lorazepam the 3rd and had only took 2 of the 60 pills but after the weekend I only have 29. I kept counting them and taking pictures as proof he was taking them. I drug tested him last night and he was positive for amphetamines, benzos, and pot. We had agreed he doesn’t smoke pot because it’s a gate way for him. But he’s smoking pot. Still says he didn’t that it’s just from being around his brother who smoked it on Thanksgiving. Come to find out start of November he sought out a doctor seeking Adderall - drug seeking behavior. He never told me about how he had an Adderall prescription (which he was abusing and then when he ran out started taking my stuff). Yes he is ADHD but he can’t take Adderall he’s addicted to it and we’ve made that clear. End of January this year when I was 8 weeks pregnant he had been sober until then and decided one pill wasn’t gonna hurt. That led to more in a matter of 24 hours and he overdosed on something laced with fentanyl. Pills. Ended up in ICU and was lucky I knew what was happening and called for help and that I knew how to do CPR. Since then he’s been so good. Until this past month when he started on his Adderall behind my back. Didn’t even tell me he was seeing a doctor. I’m his wife I should know everything. And obviously if he can’t tell me he is seeing a doctor and getting Adderall then he knows it is wrong or he wouldn’t have to hide it from me. Saturday while high he tried to bathe our daughter and when I got in there because I didn’t know she was getting a bath he was filling the sink up and it was starting to cover her face. He almost drowned her!! After drug testing him last night and him lying and lying and lying and never telling the truth I took our daughter and the dogs and left and went to my parents house. I’m furious and heartbroken. Just shattered. I don’t know what to do. He needs to go to rehab and a halfway house again. AA see a counselor. But I’m torn on if I stay with him or not. If this is the final straw. I want to protect my daughter. I know when he is sober he’s the best man in the world. And I know he loves our daughter and me more than anything. But is that enough? I know addicts have patterns. They’re fine for X amount of time then after that time has passed relapse, X amount of time again sober and then relapse. I don’t know if I want to put myself through that again. Or my daughter. I’m not letting him see her until he’s good and sober again. Is that too harsh? He needs to realize how serious what he has done is. And him getting to be around her and me won’t make him worry and really think and learn from this. But how long do we stay away? He kept lying and making up stories all last night after he was caught. Wouldn’t own up to anything. I don’t know what the truth is. But he’s broken my trust in a major way. I don’t know that I can trust him again. I really don’t. Lying and sneaking around behind my back.

I’m 24, I’m pretty and smart, I know I can find somebody else some day if it came to it. That I don’t have to stay with him or be single for eternity. I know I can find someone else I love. I love him more than anything though. But I know if I leave I’ll be okay. That I don’t have to stay. I’d have to drug test him daily, I have to use a GPS Life360 tracking app on his phone. I shouldn’t have to do that you know?

Has anyone else been through something like this? What did you do? Anyone have any advice or insight? My trust is gone and I’m numb. It’s like I don’t even feel it. I’m normally distraught being away from him (we are extremely close) but last night and so far this morning I’m okay. The usual distress and sadness from not being able to be with him isn’t there. I’m really calm. Is this because it’s over and he’s done so much to hurt me? I don’t know. But I don’t know what to do. Do I leave him? Do I try to stay one more time? He had everything in the world going for him and he blew it. Still didn’t stop him. Why would this time be any different? Why would this time be the last time he does it? I’m afraid I’ll stay with him and then we will end up back in this situation or the one in January where he ends up dead.