Christmas

Christmas sucked this year......

My husband and I have been trying since Jan 2019. Christmas 2019 I was a little Sad I still wasn’t a mom.. but I pushed through it. I truly believed Christmas 2020 would be different.

Christmas 2020

I was 2 days late on the 23rd. I don’t test early anymore.. I wait till I’m a few days late to stop the heart break of a negative test. But I just FELT in my soul this was my little one. I felt someone was in there. I planned to test Christmas eve so I could surprise my husband. Best Christmas surprise.

11pm on Dec 23rd here comes aunt flow. Fuck...

okay... it’s okay.

Christmas eve morning I get a call from a friend who tells me she’s pregnant! It was an accident but she’s finally wrapped her head around It and is ready to tell people. That’s amazing for her.

Christmas morning- I’m sitting on my stairs watching my family gather and opening presents... and a wave just hits me. Another year, I’m not a mom, another year where I don’t have presents under the tree for my kid. What if I sit here next Christmas feeling the same way.. and I Broke... I sat on the stairs in my husbands arms in tears.

My family was in shock.. I don’t think they’ve realized how hard it’s been, until that day.

Don’t let this jolly Christmas photo fool you.. this was my saddest Christmas. I’m sure there were many more people out there like me.. pretending.. pretending we aren’t hurting. You weren’t alone.