I think I have PPD

Im miserable. All the time I feel alone and unloved. My husband hasn't been the most supportive but his ex ( my step daughters mom ) had 2 other kids when she had thier baby... this is my first. I dont think he understands how hard it has been on me, I have no experience with my own newborn..... And I honestly don't blame him he is a man and won't ever experience this and I have heard of PPD and never thought it felt like this.

I love my daughter she is 3 weeks and I would never hurt her, but im constantly telling her im sorry... im sorry I dont know what im doing, im sorry that I cry all the time , im sorry that you won't latch, im sorry your daddy isn't putting in more time.... Im literally crying all the time and telling her how sorry I am and that things will get better. But they don't.. my husband doesn't touch me ... no hugs or kisses or any type of affection, I'm already down to pre pregnancy weight and I dont know how I was always heavy my entire life and I lost the weight and then found out I was pregnant but it took me so long to get down from 220 to 160 and within a week of birth I was 160 again... im never hungry I dont get any sleep. I just feel like I have noone, and that my husband will never love me again. He gets offended when I mention he doesn't love me anymore, bc he says he never said that and he does love me.... but its been 3 weeks since she has been here and we dont cuddle we dont hug or kiss or anything anymore. I feel like if I got some type of affection I would be ok... or not idk honestly.

My doctor said if I dont have suicidal thoughts or thoughts about harming my baby then its not post partum depression its just depression and I need to see a different doctor than her... but iv never felt this in my life... I constantly feel like I'm loosing my mind and that im not loved. My husband said last night that he is ready to have sex again and I cried bc im not. Not bc I dont want it but bc im scared my body isn't ready and then on top of that how are you not going to hold me or hug me or kiss me but you want sex.... I do look at my daughter and think to myself that if I never had her he wouldn't act this way and I would be fine.... but then I tell myself I did have her and I wouldn't change that. .

I want my husband back... the one before the baby.... im trying to be understanding of him... that this is hard on him too... but I dont know how to cope.... how do I feed my baby without crying and telling her how sorry I am for her.... everytime she looks at me I'm reminded that she will grow up with a mother who doesn't live herself... and the way her father is acting to me , she probably will be in a split family like I was.

I lost my job due to covid and have no money to leave or I probably would have already. Im just miserable... is it normal to hate your husband after a baby??? Does it get better... do I get better? Does he get better.... am I doing something wrong here..