I found out secrets on my ex... again

I just need your opinion and words of encouragement right now.

It’s been 5 days since me and my bf of 7 years broke up.

Today for some reason it’s hard because I miss him so much. I think it’s the comfort the presence of him but his mind and heart were horrible.

I catch my self shearing tears for him randomly and I hate myself for it and remembered all the things he did to me and our kids.

He is a compulsive liar! So for the past year of our relationship I thought things were good till I noticed that the first few days of January he was off like I mean OFF! He wouldn’t kiss me anymore, hug me, hold me at night I knew something was wrong!

Then in January 5th he comes home from work saying he doesn’t want to be with me no more out of no where. And tells me to pack my things and the kids things and go.

I begged for him to love me and let me stay but nope he was persistent and had to get my things and go to my moms.

Next thing you know one of our friends told me he is a rowdy coke head. My heart dropped. That he does it everyday at work and friend get togethers. And told all of “our” friends not to tell me.

This whole time I thought it was another women. But it’s drugs.

Not sure what to think or do right now but just cry he has done so many horrible things to me I’ve caught him cheating several times, He moved in a random women to my house after I had my daughter, and other explicit things that hurt me even more.

I know I could never get back with him ever again. I just wish he was dead tbh because I’ll forget about him forever!!!

Any advice will help thank you so much ❤️