Do you ever wake up and have a revelation...

My immediate family consist of my dad, my mom, my older brother, and me. From a very early age I realized that I was the "odd" one in my family. I never understood why they did things the way they did and I constantly questioned if I was wrong for being so different from them. My family constantly "cheated" or "worked" the system and they never once felt bad about it. In fact, they were always proud of getting away with stuff (lawsuits, false injury claims, false unemployment, welfare, getting paid cash on purpose, the list goes on and on). I, on the other hand, started working at 15 years old and was pretty straight arrow my entire life. They would always encourage me to do things that I felt were at the very least, immoral. For example, if I told them I had a bad day at work or that my boss was mean, right away they were like oh you can do this or that and get fired on purpose and then get unemployment, etc etc.

It took me a LONG time (30+ years) to get to the point where I am today and although I still have a ways to go, I am proud of myself for finally starting to cut my family off/keeping them at a safe distance. My husband has been a MASSIVE help in my progress because in the 12+ years I have known him and his family, he has been supportive of me and my realization that my family is "no bueno" and in addition, seeing how his family functions has shown me what a "normal" family is suppose to be.

There's no other way to say it...

---My older brother is a dirt bag. He is a freeloader, a narcissist, a drug abuser, an alcoholic, borderline pedophile, and the list goes on and on. For majority of my life, I had to play the older sister role and constantly bail him out of trouble even though I am actually 5 years younger than him. The shit I did to save him I regret. I wish I had let him fail/fall because maybe then he would have learned his lesson. But he is nearing 40 years of age and he hasn't learned a damn thing. He finally has a daughter of his own (she's 9 months) and I feel for that little girl. His wife aka my niece's mom, is an enabler of my brother's ways. My poor niece has no chance of being a productive member of society with being raised by my brother and his wife. I wish I could be there for her but I finally fully cut my brother off 5 months ago and its the best decision I ever made. I did let my niece's mother know that I will always be there for my niece no matter what but she never bothered to respond back to me.

---My mother is a selfish user who will always claimt to be the victim. She refuses to take any responsibility for the way her life turned out. She blames everything on my father (they divorced 15+ years ago) and she and my brother are one and the same and deserve each other. She used me for years (place to live for free, and I was her only source of income) and has no problem in showing me/letting me know that my brother is her favorite and not me. My brother who has physically hit her, has abandoned her miles away from home, has thrown her out of car, and talks to her like she is nothing is her favorite. I on the other hand, took care of her financially for way too long, and I always came to her rescue when my brother did her wrong, but yet I am the bad guy. My father who owes her NOTHING has been financially supporting her for 4+ years and she hasn't worked a day in her fucki** life for at least the past 15 years. She has a better life than most people but yet she is always negative and constantly acts like my father and I owe her so much more. Only reason I even talk to her anymore is because she is still my mother and my father gives me money to send to her so I HAVE to talk to her. But I swear, there are days where I question if I should just cut communication off completely.

---My father is the only member of my family who I still talk to and even then there are days where I wonder if I should continue communication with him. My father is a good man but also a terrible man. The older I get, the more I learn about him and the more I learn the shittier he becomes. He is a womanizer, a cheater, a sex-aholic, and plain gross. He is 65 years old but yet is on the constant hunt for girl who are YOUNG like in their early 20s (10+ years younger than me and I'm his youngest child). His priority in life is sex, looking young, being fit, and having money or at least acting like he has money. He is obsessed with trying to find a YOUNG girl and having more kids and I keep telling him that isn't right because a) he refuses to settle down and keeps cheating on every girl he meets and b) he is too old to be having more kids. I tell him constantly that I have 2 young boys that would love to have a closer relationship to their grandpa but he chooses sex and his crappy women over his grandkids. It pisses me off that he rather be off playing male gigolo than be a grandpa. But as shi*ty as he can be, he does have some good qualities and he is someone I can "usually" count on for emergencies so at least there is that. But I swear, it so frustrating because why can't he just be fucki** normal person who embraces being a grandpa and wants to be there for his grandchildren and for his daughter who is dying for some help (owning a business in a pandemic and having zero to minimal babysitting options is no joke).

Sigh*...that is my rant. It might sound like I'm whining or having a pity party of one but fu** I just want a normal family. I would give anything to have a family like my husband's. If I'm being honest, my husband's family is more of my family than my own family which is nice but it isn't the same and also,, they live over an hour away so we only see them 1-3 times a month. It just sucks knowing that my entire family is messed up and I wake up every day having to make a conscious effort to not be like my family and to make sure that I teach my boys better. I want my boys to see what a real family is suppose to be like and not have them grow up the way I did...