I was 8 weeks along and so over the moon because we had been trying for a year and FINALLY got our BFP! On the 1 September I lost my baby. He/she stopped growing at 6 weeks. I was booked in for a DnC.

Everyone told me Don't worry you will fall pregnant quick now, after a DnC you are very fertile. The best was "stop stressing, at least now you know you can actually get pregnant" and "oh you were only 8weeks so it's not that bad". People seem to not understand that I wanted THAT pregnancy  

And THAT baby! 

Now 3 months later, I'm still not pregnant and it seems like it's never going to happen! EVERYONE around me is either giving birth or announcing pregnancy, every new post i die a little more inside. I just want to scream "why do YOU get a Baby", and I'm sitting here like "hey ovaries, hey uterus can you do your job already". The worst post are the ones where woman say "we are so happy to announce that we are pregnant, we weren't even trying!" I mean come on WTF!! Here I am, eating right, tracking my days, logging my temperature, using ovulation predictors and taking supplements too absolutely no avail! It all seems so unfair!  

All I have ever wanted is to be a mother and it just seems so far out of reach. Every month. When AF arrives, I cry silently in the bathroom and pull myself together so that nobody will know the battle I'm fighting inside. People will often say "oh it's so common in first pregnancies" or "it all happens for a reason". I wish you would all learn to rather not say anything, instead let me cry on your shoulder and offer me a cup of tea! 

My Christmas Wish, is to have those two pink lines. To hear that strong heart beat at 6 weeks. To see you grow and develop into the most perfect human being. I wish for a happy healthy delivery and a beautiful bundle of joy. I promise to love you, and provide for you the best that I can. I promise to always wipe away your tears and hug you tight. I promise to keep you warm and safe and lastly I promise to always show you how truly special and loved you are. 

To my Rainbow baby...

Xoxo 

Mom